I started writing about five times already. Switch on laptop go to the kitchen and get some water, while there I done the dishes and tidied up. I came back to my writing and remembered the washing machine finished its cycle. Again, stand up, get the laundry and just put them on the drier. Then I came back to the table, switched on my laptop again and my daughter came to ask me few questions and check what snacks she can have. And this proves exactly what I want to write about: WE ARE AFRAID OF JUST BE
From the moment I open my eyes in the morning I start doing things. My brain starts spinning, making plans for the day. I need to have my coffee and lay a proper schedule ahead of me. Laundry, hoover, windows, child – clothes, food, play time together, work out and finally leave the house holding hands with the little one. Depending of the day of the week our day unfolds as I set it to unfold. Be a play date, soft play, park, movies, dance class or just go shopping (there goes a bit over an hour at the supermarket) and ice cream shop after to entertain the child (they have a soft play there as well so it makes things easier). After all these, there comes the end of the day when we go home. I need to feed the little one again, then I realise I can put another load on hoping that one day my washing basket would be empty for more than five minutes. After dinner comes the bath and PJs for Ruby, story time that normally takes and hour as she will beg me for another story and another until my eyes are closing and she’s still wide awake.
I leave her in her bed after a good night kiss and cuddle and dream of finally sitting down and relaxing as I am exhausted. And as soon as that happens I realise that the washing machine stopped so I give it a spin another fifteen minutes, little one calls me cause she needs a wee and we go toilet and back to bed. I sit down and there it goes again. Laundry is done so I have to hang them on the drier. I sit down and for another at least half hour comes a struggle between child needing God knows what and me asking her to just go bed. I see her she is over tired and give in. Hold her in my arms until she drifts off. Tuck her in and just look at the time. It’s only eight – eight thirty pm and I need a shower. Wash quickly, switch on the TV and flick through channels trying to find something to watch hoping to relax before bed. And this always turns into a stressing job because there’s nothing good on and I got nothing to do.
I get my book and read a bit but my eyes are tired and slowly closing. I read the same page over again and decide on having a glass of wine just to take off the stress during the day. Sleep is not there anymore so I continue reading and sipping on my glass. My mind is racing, making plans over and over again without resting for a second.
Sometimes my anxiety kicks in and bad thoughts rush in not letting me allowing me to sleep at all and sometimes I just close my eyes and see the day to follow, fall asleep only to wake the next morning with the same craziness as before.
I am busy and trying to get myself even busier. I am baking (this is something good for my anxiety actually), I am cleaning, working, walking, working out, reading, writing, fill my time with social media spying on those accounts showing us perfect bodies, well behaved children and spotless houses, wanting to have it as well, not thinking for a moment that I don’t have a cook, a cleaner and a personal trainer and definitely I don’t have nannies and private tutors for my daughter. My bank account doesn’t just grow over night because I had a photo shoot or because I posted myself on stories advertising some products for the world to see.
We are all so wrapped up in this busyness that we don’t get to sit and just BE. I tried yoga and loved it but half way through the program I gave up because my thoughts were unfolding and I was so scared of this tranquility. I couldn’t move forward with it so I decided that burning calories with intense work outs is better for me.
I don’t remember when was the last time when I got to sit down doing nothing. Enjoying the sounds of birds or just my own self. Just being a human in the Universe.
Even now, I am writing but in the same time paying attention to what my child is doing, checking the time, planning on texting my family, thinking about dinner and how I crave some sweets that I refuse to have. Thinking of a healthy alternative to the chocolate I dream of and so on.
Talking with a friend the other day I was actually telling her that we experience guilt for just allowing ourselves to sit down and do nothing for at least a minute. We need to find things to do and if there is nothing, trust me, we will find something. I tend to get involved with my daughter coming out with different learning games pushing her towards certain activities and trying to make them fun for both of us.
“By allowing myself to just be, i give myself space to purr in gratitude. I am the observer. I allow myself the time and space I need.”
― Petra Poje – Keeper of The Eye
Isn’t that ideal? But how many of us can just surrender like that? I, for sure, haven’t gotten to that stage of awareness and gratitude. I think I am not ready or I don’t know how to BE. I tried practicing gratitude and positive thinking every morning and before bed but somehow , some times my mind drifts and craziness is back with me reminding me I got stuff to do, not letting me smile and just BE
To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.