I mean I’ve been with you from the beginning my dear Shonda Rhimes. I have laughed and cried, build dreams and had nightmares. All next to you, while watching every episode of Grey’s Anatomy. I grew up. I changed jobs, relationships and friends. I even changed countries but never betrayed you. The only series I watch religiously has been with me everywhere and in between seasons I just re-watch old ones. You have been with me through my pregnancy and now just when I got the hang of being a mother everything had to change. The weaning process starts but on top of it all season 13 is on.


Lots of reasons for me to go cray cray. I can say that on a regular day I pray for my child to sleep through the night so I can rest and start a new day full of energy without needing tons of coffee for it. Yesterday I was praying for Ruby to have a 43 minutes nap so I can watch season 13 episode 2 of grey’s anatomy. And bless her, she did sleep. I went in the kitchen and turned on my laptop. Filled the table with crisps and tissues and here I was crying my heart out for Alex and cursing that Jo bitch for not having the courage to tell the truth, laughing at naive Maggie and wishing Meredith will sleep with Riggs again. I swear by the time this episode was finished I was exhausted and in need of another hour to cool down. But I only prayed for 43 minutes and this was exactly all I got, like Ruby had a timer on her and the alarm went off exactly one minute after the end. I wiped my tears and went to pick up the extremely noisy bundle of joy. She screamed in my ear so badly I gone deaf for a while. But who cares? I am grateful she gave me the me time I needed so much.
Before having her I remember what me time was: back to back episodes of cheesy series seasoned with lots of wine and ice cream and/or crisps; going out with the girls for the entire day not having a worry or responsibility whatsoever; getting in the train to London Bridge, grabbing a coffee and reading by the river or writing page after page of that book I forgot I started to write; going to a pub for hours not carrying about when I get home, having a shopping spree on a hot summer day and so many otherΒ  activities I forgot about. I would meet a friend for coffee without thinking of rush hour or getting the train or bus. Now, all these seem so far away from who I am. It feels like it happened in a different life or to another person. I don’t remember and I cannot live that life anymore. The thing is I don’t miss it. Not a bit.
These days my days are filled with nursery rhymes (most I just invent as I don’t know lyrics properly), Disney clips, smelly nappies, milk bottles, baby massage classes, baby club, baby yoga hour and play dates, incredibly long walks or bus rides trying to avoid the train as much as possible (still the pushchair problem); checking baby temperature and reading about milestones, why and when to start different activities, how to help baby develop and so on.
My me moment is restricted to Ruby’s naps and most of the times it is divided between laundry, dishes and cleaning. I don’t have all the time in the world anymore. Hell, not even half of it. I only have 43 minutes once a week for Grey’s Anatomy and this beats everything. It is all I need to charge my batteries and escape in a different world. My adult books have been replaced with Peter Rabbit, Sophie la Giraffe, This Rabbit that Rabbit and others I don’t even pay attention to the title; my playlist has only Disney video clips and my YouTube channel recommends me a new episode of Maya the Bee or Franklin and Friends. Even my email inbox started to be filled by Hipp club announcements, Mother Care or Mamas and Papas offers, advice from Emma’s Diary, cow and gate, Pampers and other baby companies comparing to last year when I was getting discounts from Top Shop, Zara and all others.

1Since I had Ruby I started looking to make friends amongst the mummy clan but I tell you this ain’t easy job either. I mean you get play dates only if the babies have similar age and when you do you start thinking “Do I like this mummy? Would I get friends with her if we didn’t have kids?” and other million questions that lose their value in the blink of an eye. You just need someone to have a coffee with you while walking outside with the baby. You don’t need to have anything else in common. You are mums and this gives you infinite topics to talk about. You won’t talk movies, books, other friends lives or even your life. All you will do is the same thing you do when you are out and about alone with your baby: feed the little one, walk the little one and pray you can have a coffee without being disturbed by crying or the smell of poo. The only difference is you are not alone. There is someone next to you who goes through the same things you do, testing her patience limits and covering her eyes with sunglasses even in the most cloudy of days so no one would see the dark circles around her eyes. They show lack of sleep and we do not want that. Secretly we want to be the cool mum, the one looking amazing every time of the day, fitting in her old jeans and feeling attractive even when pushing a buggy inside Boots or H&M and baby stores. That’s what mummy wants. She is not dreaming of clubs, nights out, free time and girls day in filled with tons of alcohol and a 5 pm hangover. Mummy wants to see her baby smile and grow up healthy and well behaved not like a spoiled brat throwing tantrums in the middle of the street. Mummy wants to spend all her time with her little one plus her 43 minutes of Grey’s Anatomy. And for those she is eternally grateful.


SONG OF THE DAY: lets get in the mood

2 thoughts on “Mummy’s got a secret

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