Christmas is so close it freaks me out. That’s because right after New Years I have to go back to work. I mean I will have to leave my little munchkin home, without me. Will she be OK? I never ever left her for more than few hours and now I have to be on my own the entire day. No food in my hair, scratches on my face, that beautiful smile in the morning when we see each other, hearing mama and ba ba all day long making me laugh like crazy. I think she will cope better than I will.

I am freaking out and I have no idea how will it feel to get out there in the real world, talking to grown ups for an entire day and not rocking myself cause I got used to it or making monkey faces cause it’s play time

.

I have been with my baby since she was born just about twenty four hours. I went out three times without her and that for only few hours. She always has her naps with me, all her meals, play time, happy time and cry time. I know what she wants by how she acts and nobody else does. I know how much milk she gets and what times, when to give her cereals in the morning and when to take her out. I know what toys she loves and what toys she just throws around only for the noise. I know when she wants some tummy time and when she just wants to play around with her dummies swapping them from one hand to the other like a little clown at the circus. I know it all and she is so so dependent on me. She is mummy girl and she wants me around all the time.

Maybe I didn’t know how to get her to be independent or I just didn’t want to

I am dependent on her as well and even when I went out I had to call and text a thousand times cause I thought was her and how she is without me. She’s always been fine, unlike me who forgot how to have fun without the baby attached to me.
I will only go for two days but this means I will lose lots of moments in her life. What if she starts walking when I am at work? What if she starts talking or eating by herself and I am just out and I miss her firsts? I don’t want this. I don’t want to miss a second from her life, I don’t want to miss any of these moments and come home feeling guilty for not being there. I wish I could just be a stay at home mum who can afford to offer the little one all her time, love and affection. I want to be able to kiss her tiny hands every time she hits herself with a toy, or cuddle her when she is grumpy, laugh with her when she makes a mess of the food I am trying to give her and rock her to sleep when she is not well. I want all these forever and not only few days a week.

I wish I could win the lottery (if I would start playing), by my own house and never worry about a thing.

Start a little business and work from home so I can have all the time in the world for my little one. I know mums who couldn’t wait to go back to work and have some time off and I always thought I’ll be one of them. Getting out there, having fun, socialising as much as possible while taking care of my baby as well, balancing everything with a natural talent. Reality is different and I think I forgot how to be myself sometimes. Maybe this is the reason I am scared to leave Ruby home. She is quite an independent baby but in the same time she knows I  am always there. What will happen when I won’t be there to stay with her until she falls asleep? She cries if she sees herself alone in the room while trying to have a nap. I just stay with her and put a blanket over herself when I know she is in dream land. It’s only than that I can get myself to go out the room and mind my adult things.

Nobody knows those little details about her and although I fully trust my friend who will take care of her I’ll still want to be there instead of working. She is my rock and she makes all bad things go away. Same like I do for her. I can’t get angry and stay that way like I used to at work.

With Ruby I can be angry for only a second, I look at her and forget it all. She makes me a better human and I can’t imagine being away from her

I am sure she’ll be fine and happy as a bunny like she always is. I am sure she is well taken care of. I think I’ll be the one who won’t take it easy. I’ll be the cry baby. Praying to pass the time so I can come back home and kiss her little forehead while she sleeps.

So I am overexcited for her first Christmas  we have such a beautiful tree and I can’t wait to put all presents under it, play Christmas carols and fill the house with joy but in the same time I really hate this Christmas. I hate it with all my heart because I know it takes me closer and closer to the day I will have to leave my baby home and travel on my own to work. I am not sure how to feel. I just want to freeze time. Stay stuck in a moment of pure happiness and never ever leave.

SONG OF THE DAY

it’s back! I posted from my phone for a while as I was waiting for internet connection in my house so I could’t upload music for fear of not using all my data 😛