Water is dripping off me and I start to feel cold. I can’t get dressed though. I can’t move. I can only rock from side to side, the “please go back to sleep” type of rocking. I’m praying to hear that little snore. It’s the sound of freedom. It tells me it’s safe to put her back in bed. I can finally get to put some underwear and a top on.

There is no celebration. Only crying and winging

I got no idea what’s wrong with her. She’s been like this for couple of days now and I start feeling helpless. There is no Easter, there is no celebration. Only crying, winging, pulling my top or trousers, grabbing on to my leg desperately so she can be picked up. I give in to her request cause I can’t resist the Bambi eyes. They beg me to hold her. So I do. I take her in my arms and almost immediately I feel her head resting on my shoulder and those tiny palms tapping on my bare skin. It’s a thing she always does when she wants to sleep. She is looking for uncovered skin to tap on be it my arm, shoulder or neck. She needs to feel me as close as possible and I always deliver.
I feel my lower back is killing me. Slowly but surely. With every move I feel the pain. Is going down on my leg and coming back up like a knife stabbing and stabbing. I can’t stop now. I need to keep moving. If I stop rocking she’ll open her eyes and start talking. I have to bare the pain. Few more minutes if I’m lucky.
I got my eyes closed just in case she’ll lift her head to look at me. If she’ll see me “sleeping” maybe she’ll think it’s “night night” and she will copy me. Problem is she is too cute and irresistible and she knows it. I already know what she’s going to do if she decides she doesn’t want to sleep. She’ll take a long look at me smiling, spit out her dummy, and stick her forehead as close to my lips as possible so I kiss her and then she’ll give me the final blow: rest her lips on my cheek making her sweet I love you sound. It’s something meant to be: aaawwwww 😍 only cuter and sweeter than you always heard it.
I won’t resist to that. Never.

Overwhelmed exhausted tired of cleaning

I am such a bad mum disappointing my daughter like this

She’ll then wriggle out of my arms showing me the door and leading me into the living room shouting “Maaui” so I can take the hint and put on Moana. The amount of times I lied to her is beyond belief. Every time is nap time or night night  I have to say Maui went to sleep and Peppa Pig ran away from TV because she has been naughty. I am such a bad mum disappointing my daughter like this.
In my defence I have to say Moana is playing twice a day in our house and I know all lines by heart and the songs as well. We even dance to the music all the time.  And Peppa is just annoying for me so I try to avoid her. You know why I hate her? Because Ruby calls me Peppa instead of mummy. And she does it in such a proud manner that makes me think I done something to piss her off.
I kept my eyes closed and I swear I dozed off for a second there while rocking my child in a desperate effort to get her to sleep. I am cold already and I start to shiver. I hate being cold. I’ll just risk it and try put her in bed. The second I moved my arm she grabbed me desperately and the crying started. F… . Big mistake.

I got no idea how long I’ll be able to keep it together for

I am rocking again, shushing a lullaby to assure her I am not going anywhere. In situations like this I get desperate. It’s when I want to go pee, I am cold, my back hurts, I need a drink, my tummy starts making noises and my thoughts go way too far for a normal person.
Did I mention she has been like this for two days already? It’s the third day of madness and I got no idea how long I’ll be able to keep it together for. I have been a trooper. I kept my cool in front of her and I didn’t scream or shout. I complied with her wishes swearing in my mind: for f… sake please eat something”  “Stop this winning and go bed”
“What on earth is wrong with you?” and telling myself I need to breath in and out and not despair. I have been good but I can tell I am going to lose it any minute now.
She’s been going bed at 11 in the evening with massive efforts and kept waking numerous times crying for who knows what reason and being super stressful during the day. No amount of coffee or alcohol will do now. I need sleep and I need some peace and quiet. As a matter of fact I also need to calm my brain down and stop it from chasing wild thoughts.

I am exhausted and I feel tears welling my eyes

Three nights in a row I had to switch off lights and TV in the living room, keep her in my arms on the sofa and wait for her to sleep so I can finally dream of my bed. I want her old routine back. Give her kisses and cuddles and let her fall asleep in her own bed like a good girl she normally is.
I am rocking her thirty minutes now and my arms are almost dead. I put her down risking a storm. Whatever will be, will be. I can’t hold her anymore. I covered her with her favourite blanket and put Boo boo the dog right next to her for comfort in case she’ll open her eyes in a dreamy effort to wake up. I take a look at her. She’s perfect. Even when she is behaving like a spoiled brat she’s sweet and perfect.

IMG_4295

I am exhausted and I feel tears welling my eyes. “God, please make her sleep tonight. At least three hours. Please! Pretty please” – it’s all I can say. All I need. I set the temperature in the house on 22 Celsius for a bit so I can warm up. I put some clothes on and covered myself with a Duvet. I am still shivering  uncontrollably while trying to get comfortable and stretch for a second. Even my teeth are clenched and I can’t stop myself. I just think “ sun, heat, sun, warm me up”.
Don’t know when but I fell asleep. Such a deep sleep I couldn’t hear anything. That sleep that lasts for a little while but makes you think it lasted for ages. I opened my eyes in despair feeling guilty. I jumped off the bed and went to check on her. I was so sure I slept for hours and somehow Ruby woke up and was crying and crying and me, like a bad mum that I am, I couldn’t even hear her.
It was all my brain playing tricks on me. I only slept 45 minutes and she was actually snoring.
Do I need to say my heart was pounding and my arms were shaking. It took me ages to fall asleep again cursing my tiredness and anxiety.
I only slept for few hours and the second I heard her babbling away I knew I have to wait another at least twelve hours until I’ll get to sleep again.

Thank you for there is #coffee in the world.

8 thoughts on “Naked motherhood

  1. Hi Alinabrac,
    I have one thing to say. You’re a fantastic mother. Actually I have something else to add. It’s a phase and hopefully it’ll only last a few days. Also YOU NEED SLEEP!! Get someone to help, if you can. Someone who can sit with her while you rest. Even if you snooze on the sofa, with your eyes half open, it’ll do you the world of good. Take care of yourself. Hope you get some sleep tonight!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Thank you so much for your support.
    I managed to nap today and she felt better. She’s asleep now and that’s what I’ll do now as well 🙂 This time with a smile on my face after reading your message x

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Aww well done! Hope it all gets better from now on. Always remember self-care is so important (including keeping yourself warm and getting dressed! bless you) because then you can give your best self to your little girl and that’s how you will both thrive! take care my dear x

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Thank you! It really makes a difference to hear your feedback; this is why I began this journey in the first place. I’m so grateful to be able to make a positive difference in your life 🙂 Keep going, you’re doing a great job too x

    Liked by 2 people

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