To sleep or not to sleep? This is the question.

On a regular day, Ruby falls asleep at 8 pm right after her bath and milk. It don’t matter if the TV is on (loud or not), the light on or off, the window open or shut. She turns on one side, grabs her hair with that tiny hand and goes to sleep. In her bed, my bed or in a car she just sleeps cause it’s 8 pm. Like I said, this happens on a regular day. She will sleep till about 1 am or 2 am when she gets some milk and sleep again until about 6-7 am. It’s what she does.
Now, is this what I do? Obviously not. I am happy when it’s quiet and I go bed satisfied that I lived another day and my patience didn’t go down the drain. I smile and the second I hit the pillow I am in dream land. Like every new mum, even my dreams are related to my baby. I sleep for about two hours and it feels like ages. When I wake up I am listening first. Is she tossing and turning or it’s just me obsessing about my child? Most of the times it’s my craziness. I go to her bed, check if she breaths and I go back to sleep for another hour or half of it sometimes.
First time she slept through the night I panicked. I was by her bed contemplating whether I should wake her up to eat or not. I should have just enjoyed it. Her eight hour sleep lasted about a week. And than it changed to waking up every hour so it can change again couple of weeks later.
I was a zombie who had no idea what the word relax means. I was praying she would sleep for two hours. Now she does and I pray for three.
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If someone asks me what is it that I really want I would say sleep, a full night of sleep  without waking up to check the baby, feed the baby or just waking up cause I got used to it. I am just dreaming of that first night when I will actually do it. It feels so naughty. Me sleeping all night long, without worrying, without obsessing. Just sleeping.
Today is not a regular day. She fell asleep like always only that ten minutes later I heard her crying so I went and gave her the dummy. This lasted for about an hour until I decided to pick her up. She probably had a bad dream or who knows?
The moment she felt my arms around her everything stopped. No more crying, no more rubbing hands all over the face. I look at her. She is so peaceful. I kiss her forehand and I smell her hair. She smells of milk and innocence. I wish she would stay like this forever. Dependent on me, loving me, smiling at me every time she sees me and listening to all I say like I know the ultimate truth.  I almost don’t want to put her back in bed. She is getting to big for my back but I can’t help it. As long as she calms down in my arms I will keep her. Forever if that is how long it will take. Forever plus one even.

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