I have guilt and not the one Rex the dinosaur talks about in Toy Story. Not the simple, innocent guilt that goes away as soon as you says I am sorry for something.
I have mum guilt. I have friend guilt. I have family guilt. And all these are sat in front of my true happiness, in front of my tranquility and peace of mind and just maybe they affect judgement as well. I kept thinking just how I’d react if I didn’t feel the way I feel and most probably things would be different. I am not saying my life would be turned around and I would be this successful and fearless woman but I would certainly be calmer and with less anxiety
My guilt comes from daily things, simple and insignificant for most of you reading this post. I would experience this horrible feeling because I told off my daughter and raised, because I asked her to eat quicker and this would make me see certain scenarios in my head leading to immense guilt for what I have just done. I would imagine her growing up never enjoying food but always eating quick so she can avoid unwanted critics. I would ask her to walk faster and then guilt will creep over me making me imagine just how tired I getting my own child and my heart will break and I end up picking her up and killing my back for it. I would push her to learn and do new things and feel immense pain after because maybe I am asking too much. I will say to buying toys because she has way too many but think again of all those times when I wanted something as a child and didn’t get anything. Again, I get teary and just buy her the toy or book she wants.
I feel guilty for saying NO to friends if they want something or invite me somewhere thinking they will get upset and I will lose them. I feel terrible for not reading a text when it was received and need to apologise every time I reply later. I imagine all sorts of bad scenarios that keep me away from being completely honest (this in the sense of just saying no to an invite because I just feel like staying home and just be).
I get emotional and tears start running down my face because I am guilty of not always checking the videos my parents send to me, because I didn’t get to see my dad for a while now (this year it will happen for sure). I feel guilty for not calling them every day although sometimes I just don’t have time or I am not feeling very positive and don’t want my mum to worry thinking God knows what cause she tends to get over protective of things and people
I get all crazy and then my anxiety shows up and again the bad thoughts making me guilty for allowing them in my life although I am trying to keep them away but can’t always control.
See, if it’s raining outside and my other half forgot his umbrella I will feel guilty. Guilty for it’s raining and guilty for not reminding him that he should take the damn umbrella. If he got no tissues in his bag I will feel so guilty about not asking or checking if he has tissues. I will feel guilty for buying a different brand of pasta than the ones we normally get and I will feel incredibly guilty if someone close to gets ill. I will somehow make it my fault and I can’t rest until I know they are well.
If a friend gets pregnant I am there, helping her, giving advice if need be, going above and beyond to make sure everything is OK with her and the baby because God forbid something will happen as I won’t be able to forgive myself for not doing something about it. Because I never forgot myself for what happened and I still feel guilty for losing mine.
It is one vicious circle that blocks my vision at times and although now I admit my “sins”, I know it will all come back to me and I will feel guilty again and again for things I should not even consider feeling guilty about.
Do I care too much? Or is it something else? Deeper and more painful. I got no clue but it’s there reminding me every day that I do things wrong sometimes or, at least they seem wrong to me.