I am a new mum. My little one will be 3 months on Friday. She is my only baby so I tend to smother her all the time. But never mind that. I am sure I am not the only one out there. It’s around 8:30 pm and Ruby is asleep. Finally. The minute she started dreaming I started thinking I made it today. I deserve a glass of wine. I made it through and my baby is happy and healthy. There is nothing else to it. I live for her and every day around the same time I smile and I feel proud. This only takes a minute. I am already thinking of her next feed, sterilizing bottles and running from the kitchen to the bedroom to check if she lost her dummy and she is getting desperate for it. I am afraid of going to have a shower. I have bad experience. I tried not to worry. I tried to think she is asleep so I can have a quick wash. No. No can do. Every time I went in the shower and felt the hot water running down my overtired body I could hear her crying. So there you go. She knows when mummy wants to relax so she wants to keep me on my toes. I’ll just wait for my fiancee to come home from work. He can watch her while I shower. For now I just smile, have some crisps and sip some wine.. I deserve it. I cannot fall asleep anyway. I could never sleep when she did. This is how I got to be depressed when I was breastfeeding. But we got over that. It is in the past. Now I relax a bit. My day is not over. In fact it’s never over. I only have quiet moments that I like to enjoy. I start getting sleepy around 10 pm but I fight it. He’ll be home in an hour so no point in sleeping. We sit in the kitchen having a very late diner and talking about today. I am struggling not to fall asleep most of the times and I feel guilty for it. I crave for some sleep but I crave for his cuddle as well. I want them both and when I get them is amazing. But the little one knows when mummy wants to relax so she will wake up if I somehow lose myself in a moment. He watches TV and I fall asleep. This way he can watch the baby as well. It is what we do. I can sleep for 3-4 hours without waking up to check on Ruby. But little one knows. She will start losing the dummy and going crazy when daddy goes to bed. I start waking up. Go to her and give her the dummy. I stare for a minute and think she is back in dreamland. I look at our bed with my eyes half closed. It’s only four steps away so I make my way thinking that the moment I hit the pillow I will be fast asleep. It never happens. That moment I breath slowly and I hear her moving again. I try not to move hoping I don’t have to go back to her. But I do. She lost that damn dummy again. I check the time and count how many hours I slept. I breath again. This time I am trying my breathing exercises. I learned them when I was in labor and thank God for it every day. They help me relax and not go crazy. I am back in bed. It’s about 3 am already. I never knew time could fly. I’ve got my eyes opened now staring at the ceiling and waiting for my baby to wake up again. Few minutes pass and there is no sound. I smile and close my eyes. This is it. I am already praying to get one hour of uninterrupted sleep. It feels like I just fell asleep when I hear movements in her bed. The sound of the dummy dropping on the mattress. I feel like crying but I swallow my tears and check the time. I did get that full hour so I won’t complain. It is already four in the morning. I give her the dummy and stay with her for a while. It’s always around this time when she gets extra agitated. About half an hour or so I watch her and play the never ending dummy game. I give it to her and she drops it. We play it for so long that I close my eyes and I still know where her mouth is. I never miss. I decide on getting some milk ready for her. Pick her up and put the bottle in her mouth. She is definitely hungry. I am definitely sleepy. I can see her face in the dark and I smile. She is perfect and it doesn’t matter how tired I am. I still think she will fall back asleep after her feed and I can close my eyes as well. I feed her and watch my fiancé sleeping. He is so peaceful. Moved on my side of the bed as well and snoring quietly. I am jealous now. Sometimes I want to punch him just because he sleeps. Don’t get me wrong. I love him more than words can say but I am getting jealous of that proper sleep he gets. You have to admit you feel the same. You all wanted at some point to punch your man in the face, drop the baby in his arms and leave. You all dreamed about it. I know you’d never do any of it like I won’t either but the thought is there and it feels so damn real. Ruby finished eating so I hold her for another minute as she fell asleep already. I give her a kiss, hold her tiny hand and smile again. “Please sleep and let mummy sleep as well!” And with this I put her in her bed and watch her smiling as she is already in dreamland. I make baby steps to my bed and slowly slowly try and lye down. I am tensed as I am sure she will lose that dummy or she will start moving like crazy again, but nothing happens and I allow myself to stretch and breath. My eyes are closed and I am asleep already. I had to pull the covers from under his legs. Hard job but I managed to do it and it feels so warm and safe now. But no. As much as I enjoy it I have to go and put fresh water to boil for her next feed. I am back in bed in the next three minutes and I am out. Dreaming God knows what. I open my eyes again and pray she don’t need me. But I can see she is struggling to get the binky back in her mouth. She is too small for this so I have to go and help her. I have no idea how long it took for me to get back to bed but when I check the time is already 7 am. Did I actually sleep almost two hours? Wow. Doesn’t feel like it but time never lies. From now on is just the never ending dummy game again. All up to around 8:30 am when she needs to eat again. I am hungry but I give her the bottle and change her first. After she got fed I put her in her bouncy chair and take her with me in the kitchen. Put fresh water to boil again, wash dishes while playing monkey for Ruby to keep her entertained. I am thinking I should eat. Maybe some ham and cheese. Yeah. I’ll do that. Put some bread in the toaster and get all I need out the fridge. Ruby is bored of the chair and starts to scream at me. I take her in the bedroom and play a bit. Finally she gets sleepy. I know I have about half hour to go eat. And I do. The toast is cold and the butter melted as I left it outside. Suddenly it doesn’t look like the breakfast I wanted. I put everything back in the fridge and decide on having anything but. I grab some crisps or a small chocolate bar and that will do until later. She is awake again. I curse the time and go to my baby. She gives me this massive smile and my world is wonderful again.
We have a little giggle, I change her and it’s time for the next feed. I am choosing her outfit. After the feed it’s time to go out. I dress her up and there we go. I grab a coffee and head to the park. She fell asleep in the pushchair already. I am taking my place in the swing reading a book while rocking Ruby so she can have a proper afternoon sleep. This normally takes about two hours if the weather is nice. Such a perfect time I have. I breath, check emails, text my friends and family but mostly I read. It’s that time of the day when I lose myself in someone else’s story and it feels amazing. I check the time randomly and try remember if I put fresh water in the kettle. I did. I always do. It’s almost four in the afternoon so I head home. I have to stop in Tesco and get something for dinner (lucky he is cooking). By the time I am back home Ruby needs her milk. I feed her, I change her, we play and she falls asleep for a while.. I forgot I didn’t eat and my stomach reminds me of it. I can have some noodles. There is boiled water in the kettle so I pour it over the noodles. I didn’t realize I was so hungry. I am trying to eat as quick as I can. I want to finish by the time she wakes up. Most of the times I make it. I turn the TV on as I finally realized it’s so dead quiet in the house. She is up again after 20 minutes and she is full of energy. Her big bright eyes smile at me and melt my heart. Let’s play little one. Let’s giggle together and let mummy discover new things you can do. Everyday she shows me something else and I can’t stop being amazed. I check the time again and think I should give her a bath. It’s about eight pm. Let’s go wash little one. She loves the water and the after massage. I think it’s her favorite time of the day. This takes us another half an hour and there we go it’s dinner time. 8:30 pm – my baby fell asleep and I pour myself a glass of wine, I smile and I am proud I made it through today.