That’s right. In sickness and in health. That is one of the things you promise your other half when you get married. You promise to be with him/her for better and for worse. When you become a parent there are no vows. You don’t promise anything to your child. The unwritten law of motherhood comes in place. You love your child even before you met him/her; you already know you will take care of them, wipe their tears, spend sleepless nights by their bed just to check if they breath, fight wars for the little human dictating your life; you will defend and sacrifice absolutely everything possible for your child.
Being a new mum is so damn hard. But when your little one is sick everything becomes terrifying. I haven’t slept in four nights already. She is sick and I am sick.
We are both in pain. She caught a bug and has to fight it so she can build her immune system. I have a sore throat and on top of it all I went dentist the other day and I am in terrible pain and my gums are so so swollen. I have no energy whatsoever, I don’t feel myself at all, my tolerance level is below zero. I feel like a ticking bomb, ready to explode and make a mess out of everything around. I don’t want to but I have no idea how long I can take it.
Little one is so so needy. She feels good only in my arms. She can barely breath through her nose and I can hear her struggling. She is tired and grumpy and she is throwing a massive tantrum if I decide to leave her by herself for a minute or two.
I feel like a robot, functioning on demand, having no sense of what is going on with me. I can feel that damn toothache and that is all. Rest of it doesn’t matter. I function only for my tiny human forgetting about myself and all around. I remember my swollen face just when I pass by the bathroom mirror and I forget the second I am out. I live with the pain, trying to ignore it, stuffing myself with painkillers and forgetting to eat. I don’t panic but I sometimes wish I could. This way I would just break down, feel vulnerable and ask for help. But I don’t. She is asleep in my arms and I stare at her somehow finding the strength to carry on. Her tiny hand is resting on my face and all I want is to kiss her and whisper “everything will be OK my baby. Mummy is here and she’ll make it all better”.
My eyes are closing and I wish I could fall asleep with her but my tooth doesn’t let me. He decided on bothering me, getting me so annoyed. I need some soup so I can warm up my full of pills stomach but I can’t move. I don’t want to wake up my baby. She seems so comfortable here. How would I let her by herself when I can hear that sound she always makes when she has a bad dream or she is in pain. I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself. I can’t live her alone. I can wait. My pain can as well. It’s there constantly and probably won’t go anywhere very soon. I keep telling myself that I could endure so much more pain when I had her and that my tooth is just nothing comparing to pushing my baby out but somehow I forgot that pain whereas this one is here not letting me think.
I decided on going to make some tea. I take Ruby with me rocking her so she won’t wake up. I found some biscuits so they will go perfectly. Breakfast sorted. Water is ready for her milk as well so I am thinking I can enjoy some well deserved tea with biscuits to wash down my pain. I take another pill and I am waiting for it to kick in. I need to function before my little munchkin wakes up. I need to be good for her.
PS: she woke up. She had a bit of milk (she is not eating much now), I changed her and we had a little chat giggling. She seems so happy and I forget all about everything. My tea is cold, so cold that there is no point in trying to have it. Maybe later.
SONG IF THE DAY: