I write about being a mother and I do what all mothers do: take care of my baby. I change her about a hundred times a day, I feed her, I make sure she is dressed according to the stupid London weather (so she won’t be too cold or too hot – chances are one or the other will happen at some point during the day), I try to be as organised as possible so she can have her routine and feed and sleep at certain times and so on and on and on and on all day every day. It sounds so damn easy but it is the complete opposite. Just to make sure she is not turning into a little annoying, spoiled and antisocial princess I am taking her to baby classes every Thursday and now on Mondays we have swimming lessons. Truth be told I haven’t been to the baby classes since they said they don’t clean the toys.
Anyway, even though I do all these and I have the baby attached to me all day and night I think I still didn’t quite realise the fact that I am a mother and I have a daughter. Funny. I always refer to her as baby, munchkin, monkey or just Ruby but I never ever said “my daughter”.
I have no idea why but up to today I think I haven’t hundred percent clicked. Somehow I lived these last six months worrying, crying and smiling with this tiny creature and just today I had tears rolling down my face. They were tears of joy and relief and I think that was the magical moment when I actually realised that this is it. She is mine forever and I am hers. I will never leave her and I know she won’t leave me either.
It is so funny how we imagine our baby’s first words in this amazing environment, surrounded by the entire family and someone will have the video mode on their tablet or phone and it will all be recorded for eternity.
As a mother you secretly wish that they will say “mama” and not “dada” or any other combination that might mean food or thirst.
I secretly dreamed Ruby would say mama first and melt my heart. I imagined her saying it loud and clear while I hold her in my arms or while we play. I was a bit selfish though. In my dream it was just the two of us so we could freeze the moment without having anyone else in the picture to share it with. See, now your expectations meet reality and you get such a slap on the face. Nothing matches. It all happens when it happens and you have no idea if you heard it well or it was all a mumble and you got what you want out of it. Since we started the weaning process we had a bit of a constipation problem. So my little one was fighting her pain trying to eat like a champion. After few days I decided to go the pharmacist and see what we can do. And there I was buying glycerin suppositories. I got home and started the process. Slimy little fuckers. Such a difficult job. But don’t let me bore you with it. Long story short I done it. So here I am holding my baby’s legs up in the air waiting for her to poop while tears roll down her beautiful face. She is crying and she is in pain and all I can do is encourage her although there is a probability she has no idea what I’m saying. After few minutes that seemed like forever she finally done it and through those tears there she said the word I wanted to hear for such a long time. “Mama”. I couldn’t help myself so I picked her up risking another poop attack all over myself. Her tears stuck on my face and my baby sobbing in pain while I smile like an idiot happy that she called me mama for the first time ever. And this is our moment that we shared together and I will always remember. Just me and her and a big blob of smelly poop between us. Nothing like I ever imagined.
But that was the moment when I realised I am MAMA and I will always be, no matter what she will call me.
I started this post couple of days ago but I didn’t have time to finish it. And now I am a bit confused. Two days passed and I haven’t heard the word again. She only blows raspberries or says GA or DA. So, no matter how much of an impact that moment had on me I can’t help but wonder: was it all in my head? Did she actually say it but she associates the word with pain, poop or bad smell instead of me?
I am with her twenty four hours a day and I look at her constantly and pretend we are playing while I tell her: “Say MA-MA. Come on baby, say it. MA-MA”. And she only smiles at me like she knows what I want and in reply she would say: “Dream on” – if she could speak obviously. Cheeky little monkey.
SONG OF THE DAY: related to nothing at all. I just love love this song