I normally listen to Christmas songs while wrapping presents and sipping wine getting into the festive season all glowing and smiling, feeling happy reminiscing of the wonderful moments I had throughout the year just ending.

I am a sucker for Christmas but this year I cannot wait to be all over.

My 2018 was not what I expected at all. In January I made so many plans and I was so excited for a new year that will bring me amazing changes and a bigger family.

It seems like God had different plans for me this year. They say that He never gives you more than you can carry and that you should always trust Him but I was challenged deeply.

Yes, I was happy I could afford to go see my family this year, meet my nephew who is charming and get to hug everyone else whom I missed so much

I am grateful for those beautiful moments spent with my daughter who is such a princess. She grew so much this year and so happy

I am grateful for I live in a beautiful home and for I got to read so many books and meet so many people and I got to make new wonderful friends that I hope to keep forever.

Don’t get me wrong, 2018 gave me some good laughs and good times but it also brought me so many tears and pain, anxiety, loss and trips to A&E.

I still find it difficult to talk or write about it and I think it will always hurt. I was supposed to have a magical Christmas this year but somehow it is just a Christmas. I am ill and although I am smiling for my daughter, my heart aches and my eyes are watery. 

This year I was almost gone and I will carry that with me for the rest of my life. 

“But actually no one has a choice to survive grief do they….it’s not optional. You just have to cry in the shower, sob in your pillow and hope you will make it”

• 

I loved and hated you 2018 because this is not the best time of the year. You brought me uncontrollable anxiety episodes, you brought me nightmares and so many tears I had no idea my eyes could store.

I am not doing resolutions because they suck. I can only tell you this: 2018 you didn’t kill me but you made me stronger. I am still standing and I still found strength to carry on and enjoy the wonderful moments I have every day with my daughter.

2018 I hated you and I loved you. Maybe you gave me tears now so you can spare them later but I will still remember and I will still blame you for it.

You know what, towards the end you’ve been a real good sport and you gave me a bit of magic by making me a birthing partner and allowing me to assist the miracle of life

And also you showed me my real friends, the ones I will make an effort for, the ones who will never dare to judge me for being a mother and giving my child my undivided attention and for these I will always be grateful 2018.

My dear 2018 – I hated you and I loved you with all my heart.

THIS ONE’S FOR YOU