Lately I have been so stressed out that I got myself to have coffee for breakfast and wine for dinner. Lunch? Best case scenario a pastry. I had to admit to myself that I have anxiety issues followed by panic attacks and sprinkled with paranoia and OCD. I am not overreacting at all. I swear. I mean if I said a small lie to someone I get to the stage when my head is full of worst case scenarios and I imagine myself going to prison. I get to the stage when I need to wear the same outfit or same watch I wore the day when things were good. And if I don’t bad luck will follow me. I have to try and convince myself that the phone will ring or I will get the email I am waiting only if I set everything exactly as it was in a certain moment in time. I am sure it is a medical condition and I will probably get treatment for. But do I want antidepressants and all sorts? Wine is fine for me. Plus I am enough of a pill popper taking Nurofens and Lemsip, paracetamol and other pain relievers for any little thing. I swear I have no idea how I managed to give birth without any medicine and how I got myself to not take anything during pregnancy. Last week was so stressful that I couldn’t even get myself to reading a post, an article or a book. I had a short fuse and every little thing that was not meant to be or happen got me all crazy. This is how I got to yell at my child for the first time trying to make her shut up while I was desperately looking for papers from work and all sorts. As soon as I did it I regretted it. I looked at her while she was staring at me and it all made sense in that split second. Nothing is worth neglecting your little one. She was crying mama and looking straight in my eyes. I never felt so desperate and so bad. What the hell am I doing? She doesn’t deserve an insane woman as a mother. She needs better. She deserves better. I took her in my arms and held her tight asking her to forgive me. She had no idea what I was talking about but her little body close to mine calmed me down instantly. I was taking in her baby smell and she was already bouncing and smiling like she already forgot what happened.
I asked myself again if I am a bad mother or is just one of those things that every single one of us goes through and prefers to sweep under the carpet and never mention again.
I’ve never been good under stress but last week showed me how crazy I can get. I locked myself out from the world and suffered in silence, trying to cope on my own like I am the strongest and senseless woman alive. Result? Over the roof blood pressure, constant headache and heartburn, mood swings and killer instincts. I was so close to hitting a woman in the bus the other day. In my defence she was such a bitter old cow I wonder how she could live with herself for so many years. But never mind that. It’s all water under the bridge. I refused to stay in the house so every day I took Ruby out in the cold for a stroll. I realised November came with the brown to gold carpet of leafs that I love so much. Made me feel nostalgic and calm, somehow giving me hope. Hope that as a season is changing from one day to another so can my life.
Everything was just a whirlwind of emotions and I was praying for something good to come out of this.
I stopped by a little coffee place in Ealing Broadway and enjoyed good half hour of ME time sipping a latte and reading while little one was sleeping peacefully in her pushchair.
I recharged my batteries and found the strength to carry on, to not lose hope and trust myself again. I realised that if you pray hard enough your dreams do come true and that no matter what life gives you, your child only deserves to be taken care of, loved and cuddled. He/she deserves the best you can offer and not to be let down.
So every time you find yourself in a bad place, don’t take it all on your little one. Breath, count to ten, calm down and give them a hug. Holding them will give you strength and help you carry on. And when you feel there is no hope anymore, when you feel like nothing good can come out of all stress and sleepless worrying nights, trust me. That is the moment when the sun will shine by your window.