Some time ago, a life time ago I was in a bad state and I thought the only thing that would help me would be a baby. I felt lonely, incomplete, I had no confidence and my life seemed like it has no meaning. I did have a good job, my family next to me, a lovely apartment I was not paying a thing for, lots of friends and I was ok materially speaking. But somehow all these brought me no joy. I started going out every night after work, drinking not only on weekends and trying to fill that hole with insignificant things.
I wanted a baby and that was that. I felt ready although I had no idea what motherhood actually implies. I felt that it has to happen no matter what. It will be my salvation, my meaning in life. I had friends with babies and my attention towards them was a bit much I would say now. I offered to babysit anytime, day or night, I would go visit and just hold their baby constantly, singing to them and whispering made up princess stories, buy them clothes and toys frequently, act like I was their closest in the world. Everyone who knew me kept asking me when my little one will come, family members would make me feel old and outside this world as I was almost 30, not married and with no perspective of having a child soon.

I was lonely and I needed salvation

So I tried, I cried and I prayed but God is not always paying attention to your requests. Sometimes he is busy with more important things so he’ll get back to you when you lost hope and think he abandoned you. This is what happened with me as well.
One day, when I was recently single and started to enjoy my motherless life I discovered I was pregnant. It was so early on but I wanted to shout out so the entire Universe would hear me. I wanted to share my happiness with everyone but the father of the child. I hated him and I actually did not want him in my life. It was just me and my baby and it was perfect. I had my little angel and I was touching my belly all the time, talking to him, reading all there is about development, eatingΒ healthy and sleeping as much as possible. I was still smoking and having coffee though not thinking that any of the two could harm the little pea growing inside me. So stupid I was.

Stress and bad habits are always making you pay

I told all my work mates and bosses so I was moved into a proper office with an assistant always there for me. I was told to start coming to work around 12 and not 8 in the morning and as long as my job is done all is well with them.


My happiness was growing by the day and I was feeling that my belly starts to show as well. I was just bloated but little did I know. I had my angel and that was the best thing that could ever happen to me. I lived four months of pure joy and nothing gave me any signs of something bad. I was feeling amazing and everyone seemed to share my joy. I was imagining my life in the future playing games with my angel, him walking around and talking, being cheeky and making me smile every day of my life. But sometimes what you see and what it is are two completely different things.

Going for a routine check up can change your life completely and scar you forever

You enter the doctors office with a smile on your face and come out feeling your life crumbling down. You can’t breath, tears are running down your face and you throw up on his shoes cause you can’t help it. He just told you that your angel is an angel in heaven and there is nothing he can do. The pain is so excruciating and you can’t hear anything else now. You are deaf. All passes by and you are stuck in that horrible moment wishing you were dead. Nothing else matters now. You are empty and nothing has meaning. Why would it? You called your baby an angel at all times and now he is one.

You are to blame for everything. Why did you do it? You should have called him anything but. Angels are mythical creatures and not humans. We can’t see them but only feel their presence so this is what happened with my one as well. From that moment on I could only feel him. No walking around, holding hands and giggling, no future. Just a little angel in my heart, a little angel I would never get to meet but in my dreams.

God is not always paying attention to your requests. Sometimes he is busy with more important things so he’ll get back to you when you lost hope and think he abandoned you


Far away from that time, in another lifetime, I got a little girl. She is one now and I never called her an angel. She is my rainbow baby and I will never call her an angel. As a matter of fact, if someone dares doing so I will cringe and go crazy. My baby is no angel. She is a cheeky little monkey, a chicken, a naughty little girl and however I want to call her but definitely no angel. She is my gift, my blessing, my all

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