I loved you from the moment the thought of having you became reality. I loved you from when you started growing inside me. So small, unseen but felt. My heart was racing every time I touched my belly thinking you are there and one day I will meet you finally. I loved you when you started growing and I couldn’t fit in my favorite clothes anymore and leggings became number one item in my wardrobe. I loved you even when you made me feel so tired that every simple thing seemed like a job for Hercules. Oh my God and how I loved you when I first got a glimpse of you when we had our first scan. You were sleeping peacefully and we thought you will be such a good little munchkin.  I had to eat so much chocolate to wake you up so the lady doctor can take a proper look at you. And we seen you move your tiny arms and legs. God, you made me so happy and I loved you so much there and than.
I loved you even more when I started feeling those little butterflies that turned into proper kicks at two in the morning when you were playing or hugging my bladder so I won’t sleep but take numerous trips to the toilet. I loved you even when sciatica kicked in and I couldn’t walk anymore. I loved you back when three in the morning was the perfect time to bounce on the gym ball while having ice lollies to cool down in January.
Oh how I loved you when we started buying those little pink clothes and blankets, when I bought you Mousy (your favorite blanky) or when we decided on what bed to get for you. I could imagine that perfect nursery.
I remember that night when me and daddy had Chinese for dinner. Poor him he had to clean up after mummy as she got sick. But I loved you than so much. That night when my water broke and I went into labor.  The pain was getting stronger and stronger and I was holding myself to the kitchen sink trying not to pass out or fall but I loved you so much in that moment. More than in the past nine months when I was carrying you in my belly and I had no idea what to expect. I loved you oh so much when the pain became unbearable and I had that urge to push but it wasn’t the time yet. All those hours of pain I loved you more and more. You were all I could think of. You were the reason I asked for no pain relief. I was so scared of hurting you in any way cause I loved you more than I loved myself. Oh and when I was screaming I can’t do it anymore and your daddy was holding me saying I can. I was so close to you in that moment and my heart was getting bigger and bigger from all the love I was feeling. And the first time I ever held you in my arms I thought my heart will explode from so much love. I never thought I am capable of loving another human being so much. You were so small and helpless, so beautiful and fragile. You have been perfect all along. From that moment on I started loving you more and more every day. When you kept me up all day and night for weeks, when you were crying uncontrollably and I had no idea what to do, oh I was feeling so defeated and angry but I loved you even more. When you gave me that first smile. Oh it melted my entire being and I thought I couldn’t love you more than in that moment. But giggles came and holding my hand, you gaining weight and getting more and more beautiful every day. Those were the times I loved you more than before.

Now, you sit by yourself, you bounce every day in that crazy bouncer, you smile at everyone and blow raspberries continuously and you drive me insane with your crying every time I leave the room. I get frustrated and angry but I look at you, see you smile and I love you more than I ever could imagine. I love you when I lie in bed at night praying you are just fidgety and don’t need me to come to you. I love you when I come to your bed at night, give you the dummy and you grab my hand for comfort. I am not moving, sleeping while standing, not daring to go back to bed. I love you so much at four in the morning when you feed and fall asleep in my arms. That is our special moment and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I hold you so tight listening to your breath and kissing you as much as I can, whispering my deepest thoughts to you like you hear and understand me. I wouldn’t want to let you go. I try and prolong that moment, falling asleep in the rocking chair while holding you so tight. I love you so much.
I even love you when you are so grumpy and shout at me with those little tensed fists like wanting to hit something or maybe me. I can see the toddler you will become, throwing tantrums and demanding you get what you want. But you know what? I love you even than.
You are part of me, you are the only one who knows how my heart sounds from the inside, you are the one who changed me forever, the one who turned my life around, filled it with lots of noise, sleepless nights, frustration, pain, bit of fat, frustration again and more sleepless nights. But you are the one who made me realise that I had no idea what love is. You filled my life with so much happiness I never thought I could feel.
For every second spent with you I love you even more. I watch you and I smile knowing my life is complete. I now have all I ever wanted.

PS: maybe I win the lottery on Wednesday. That would make it all full of all we wanted. Just a house of our own and all our worries will just vanish.

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