There are moments in life when you take a look at yourself and start questioning who you are. You stare at that reflection in the mirror and you see your whole life – good and bad, who you were and who you became. Sometimes you like it and other times you hate it completely. It’s just a moments thought and most probably will end with you proud or disappointed but never acting upon any decisions you might take regarding who will you become.
It’s that thought that comes around Christmas time or your birthday, when you reflect and analyse, when you judge yourself and not the ones around you. Well, it’s not December so that means my 37th birthday is coming soon and I can’t stop but doing what we all do: ask myself “who am I?” The first thing that comes to mind is “a mother”. This is what defines me now. Before I would have said I am me and there is no other like me but now I cannot think about me as anything else but Ruby’s mom.
So strange how things change, how we change
and our world as well
The me I was last year is not the same with the me I am now. This time 365 days ago I was a new mom, trying to figure out what is going on with me, trying to cope with that tiny human who was so dependent on me, blessing the moments when I could have a literally two minutes shower (army style) or sip half cup of coffee without it getting cold. The me I was two years ago was in a happy relationship, moving in a new home and the me more than three years ago was a crazy want to be writer dreaming of undiscovered territory and creating a story that definitely had not ended the way I wrote it.
I judge and I am judged
Life changes us so much, offers opportunities and takes dreams to only offer better ones, takes away one love so it can lead us to a stronger one, teaches us lessons upon lessons until we finally learn why are we living the life we are living. It is so strange when things happen more than once just so we learn the same things we were suppose to learn at the beginning. I watched my life unfolding so far, I suffered and I learned, I moved on and I taught others my life lessons as well as learned from others experiences. I judge and I am judged. I am but a simple person with dreams and hopes for better future but above all I am now a mother and this is the most important job I have. No matter what happens from now on with me does not matter. What matters is this life I created. She is my responsibility and I most definitely intend on raising her to be a better person than I am, to make better decisions and be smarter than I was at her age. I want to grow old and proud of her, I want to see her dreams fulfilled and her life full of pink clouds ad unicorns.
Once she was born I learned how not to be selfish, how to love unconditionally and give it all for her. I learned how to let go and also function on two hour sleep but most of all I learned how to live for someone else, breath for someone else and fight for someone else. All for my cheeky monkey. She is my perfect rainbow baby and all I ever wanted.
I sit in front of the mirror and ask myself: Who are you? I think of my life decisions and even though some I would change if I could go back in time, I definitely do not regret. They are the ones that shaped me and made me who I am: Ruby’s mom, a late 30’s woman, a working mom, an immigrant paying taxes in a foreign country, a woman with a normal part time job and full time dreams.
This is who I am now. This time next year? Who knows. I will definitely sit in front of the same mirror asking the same question: Who are you woman?