Two more weeks and it will be one year since I became a mother. Seems unbelievable but it’s true. As I write these words I keep an eye on my toddler (she’s not a baby anymore 😦 ) and make huge efforts of not falling asleep. She is standing up next to me holding on to the coffee table and banging some wooden coasters. I swear I will burn them. The echo makes my head pound and I wish I could hide somewhere for a few minutes (not asking for a day here).
I have to take a brake every minute. She is very determined to walk so I hold her hands and we go around all rooms and back. She never gets tired whereas me, I lose my thoughts and ideas and I have to read it all again and again and try to make sense somehow. I started few posts his last week but I couldn’t finish them. They are just saved in my notes waiting for a bit of inspiration. Not sure I will ever finish writing them.
Moments are gone and so the stories
Is this they way it will go from now? Running around the house for the next eighteen years trying to reason with my child? Will my blog die of boredom? Will it be one of those things? Will I just turn to it every six months reading all I wrote in the past and deciding on waiting for another six to write something new? God, I hope not. Cause if this is the case than it will definitely mean I lost my mind.
I stare at my little monkey while she babbles away like it’s 9 am and not 8 pm. She is supposed to sleep now but instead she’s got so much energy it scares me. She doesn’t look like she will go bed any time soon so I have to just write on and hope she won’t fall so I can blame myself for the rest of my life.
I am a mother for a year now and my priorities have changed so much. Nothing would have stopped me from writing before.
Now, this tiny human dictates my life and I am powerless in front of her
She scratches my face, pokes my eyes, shouts at me, keeps me awake at night getting sick with worry every time she breaths differently or gives a small sign of a cold, she drives me mad sometimes, she annoys me every time I see chewed biscuits or spaghetti bolognese on my cream carpet or when she eats all stuff she finds on the floor, she makes me feel old sometimes and tired every day, she brakes my heart when she cries even for no reason and she makes me cancel every single plan I ever had of going out on a date night (she knows and she gets sick – smart child).
She changed me as a person. She made me more responsible, mature and wise and she also gave me so much grey hair I had to go darker. She made me forget all about my drink nights after work and helped me see life in so many colours.
This last year has been so hard and challenging
I had to learn from YouTube how to dress and bathe a newborn one day before Ruby was born. Nobody helped us with anything so raising a baby when you got no idea what you are doing became so frustrating. Learning as things happen was my motto and first four months I lived with the fear of being told I am an awful mother. The things I was reading on different forums and medical websites got me so scared, my GP and midwife were so useless that I almost went crazy.
Everything was happening so fast. I managed to breastfeed for about five weeks as depression got me so hard. My precious little baby that I wanted so much was stuck to me and I felt misunderstood. I felt a failure for a long time and no matter how many times people kept telling me I am a good mother I felt the opposite.
Now, I look back and I smile.
Let me tell you what a year of motherhood thought me
From the second I held my baby I learned of a love I never knew existed, I learned I got superpowers and there is someone out there who thinks I can do magic. A year into motherhood I learned that my patience has no limits and two hours of sleep can keep me going for a long long time.
I learned that you don’t need a fortune to raise a baby – your fortune is your baby.
365 days after I became a mother I realised that there is no rule. Best way is your way (unless you are a cunt – talk about it on another post).
I learned that motherly instinct is real and I can rely on it to tell me if something is wrong. I learned that love is unconditional and the most important person in my life is not me but my baby.
Looking back at it I finally feel I am a good mom. My little one is so happy and me, I can go for a drink, see my friends, work and accomplish so many things even though I am a mother first.
I feel like my old self but richer, wiser and happier.
Motherhood is hard but seeing your baby smile at you is worth all efforts.