Lost your wallet with all ID, money, bank cards? Tragedy. I swear. I can only imagine how you feel.
Is your heart broken? You in pain and think you’ll never find anyone and you will die alone, surrounded by a joy and cats? Yes. I know. I’ve been there. It’s absolutely awful. Can’t get myself to tell you how many times I thought the same. Can’t even remember how many times my heart got broken in million pieces and I swore I will never give it to anyone else. I would never love again. But guess what?! After gallons of ice cream, cheesy movies, lots of tears and alcohol I picked my heart off the floor and moved on. I smiled, held my head up high and I became stronger, more confident and probably bitchier as well, but hey, it comes with the territory.
I KNOW PAIN, FRUSTRATION, LOSS AND DESPAIR
Have you lost someone dear? I did. I cried, I mourned and fainted cause of pain. I lost my grandparents (I only have my mum’s mum with me), I lost my best friend whom I was in love with at the time (almost twenty years ago and I still think about him and remember him). So I lost, I suffered and I mourned. It was devastating every time but I did came to terms with it all and realised there was nothing I could do to bring them back. All I could do was to move on, become an incredible person they would be proud of, commemorate them and keep them in my heart forever.
And I have been in a stupid abusive relationship as well. And it lasted four years and it scared me for life. And with this I met pain, hate and frustration. But I got over it as well. It made me stronger and more determined to not take any shit from anyone.
All these are such terrible things to happen to anyone. They hurt and they suck but let me tell you something. Nothing sucks more than mum guilt. I swear to God it is the worst feeling in the world. At least for me.
Leaving my little one crying uncontrollably in Nursery so I can run to work, made me go mad this morning. Getting upset with her cause I got no idea what she wants, makes me feel so guilty. She can’t talk. She is a baby (toddler but a baby for me Forever) and I get mad with her because of my own frustrations. God, I am such an idiot.
Another week passed by and we have been through such insane moments. Very high fever, uncontrollable cries, sleepless nights, a broken back and painful arms, midnight visits to A&E and a scared mummy. All in just seven days. Ruby was so ill. I couldn’t go to work. She was attached to me. She would only clam in my arms while I was trying to sing or shush, rubbing her back and kissing her forehead.
She only had water and milk from time to time. Four days she did not touch any food and my worry was growing by the hour.
She slept in my arms again and I tried to get myself as comfortable as I could on the sofa in the living room.
By the fourth night I thought I would lose it. I was running out of patience and I was so tired I couldn’t think straight. I felt so guilty refusing her to stay in my arms. I felt guilty for saying no to her. I felt guilty for not being able to help her get better, for not being able to take her pain away and calm her down.
Stupid mum guilt. It haunts me even in my sleep. Anxiety kicked in again and I have no idea why to do anymore. Crying seems helpless and exercising just the same. Meditation? Yeah. Joke. Like I can literally concentrate now on pink clouds and birdsongs while thought are rushing through my head with light speed.
Mum guilt sucks. It ducks so badly. I hate it with all my heart and I wish there was something I can do to make it go away. But there is nothing. It comes with the job. The mum job. And science is useless here. There is no miracle cure and there will be none. It’s a feeling that lasts forever. It comes and goes making you doubt every action and word. Failure, anxiety, guilt, worry, fear, they all come along with love, fulfilment, joy, pride and happiness. Being a mother is a cocktail of feelings that keep you in a rollercoaster. Now you are high up and the next second you hit the ground so hard you wonder if you can stand up again. But you can. You can because you have this amazing strength in you. It comes from looking at your child and wanting to give him/her the best you can.
So, go on. Feel guilty like me, feel a failure and a bad mother. Feel like you are lost and have no clue what you are doing. Go on and feel all these because you got the right to and because with all these comes that powerful love you never thought existed and that my friend is worth every shit feeling in the world.