Keep thinking what to write about. I got a teething baby and she got a cold as well so life isn’t quite surrounded by pink clouds lately.
I sleep when I can and where I can. At night I get the crying and the clingy Ruby who wants mummy’s arms and during the day I get the tantrum, crying, fussy ruby who grabs my leg to be picked up. My patience is close to zero and I make huge efforts not to lose it. On top of it all I did go to work as well. Good distraction on a regular day but not this time. I only craved for coffee and a sofa to just close my eyes even for a minute and I felt like everyone was annoying. Thank god for coffee and the occasional alcoholic drink. I would be dead by now otherwise.
I did forget and I feel like I fail everyday
I am trying to keep the house clean, laundry basket empty (although this never happens), my toddler happy and me sane but sometimes I lose myself in details and forget the big picture. I forget about myself and I get exhausted so no clean house, no empty basket no happy baby. They say happy mummy happy baby. But what do you do when mummy forgets this? Cause I did forget and I am trying to pull myself together now but the more try the more I feel like I fail.
Ruby is getting closer and closer to the terrible twos and I can see the signs already. I am trying to keep her entertained and happy but no matter what I do, there are those crazy moments when she just refuses everything so I raise my hands in defeat and just breathe deep in and out, count to ten. Not working. Keep counting. Keep counting. And done. I take a look at her while she is trying to explain to me some random thing she is doing. I don’t understand a word but her efforts are hilarious. Can’t stop but smile, pick her up and kiss her until she asks to be left alone, wriggling in my arms to go down.
And I am calm, sip some coffee and start it all over again.
I need a break and I can’t get one. I need to go out, do something that will make me feel good about myself again, make me feel confident and strong again. I need a haircut, I need a coffee by Thames and a book in my hand, freezing by the river but enjoying every second. I need to take my friend out, grab a drink or two, walk around until our feet hurt and the night comes, talk and talk until we lose our voices and got to judge everything and everyone.
I haven’t done this in such a long time I don’t even remember what season it was.
I need to break down my routine. I need a spa day (never actually had one but worth mentioning it as all women do).
I sometimes look at pictures of perfect families and can’t help but feel a twinge of jealousy. Days out at the gym, nights out with friends and random afternoons with their kids. They do show that ideal picture and I can’t help but wonder: is it all true and I am a complete failure or it’s just a show and only they know what happens behind the curtains?
There is no perfection. We are all tired and we crave sleep like others gold
I recently read a book about the supermom myth. It made me understand that anybody and nobody can be that. There is no perfection and there is no person excelling at everything but in the same time anyone can see you as that just because one day your hair looks perfect and theirs is shit; because their toddler is having a meltdown in the middle of the shopping centre while mine decided on walking along with me like an educated little grown up (they are all little shits who we love more than anything and sometimes they do have an occasional good behaviour that we will brag about until Forever); just because theirs is throwing food on the floor while mine eats slowly without even getting dirty. But what they don’t see is that most of the times I am them and I struggle and I want to swear and shout and scream and lose my patience. I am sometimes that one who’s face says it all.
So no, there is no super mum or perfect family. We all do our best to look perfect while we cope with all shit around. We are all tired and we crave sleep like others gold.
Our kids will grow and one day we wake up realising we are old and we can sleep through the night, there is an empty laundry basket in the bathroom and the house is so clean you can see sparkles coming out of it but it’s quiet. Too quiet. We smile and we think we miss those days when everything was chaos and the laughter of a toddler was the only thing that made you get through the day. We miss the tantrums, the endless efforts of getting them dressed and out the door in less than an hour. We miss being late everywhere and blaming the kids for everything.
So no more whining. Take a deep breath, kiss your little monster, give them infinite cuddles and enjoy life next to them.