I had a bad cold that knocked me out for more than a week so all my routine went out the window and with it, my sanity. I used to listen to Calm app every morning, trying to meditate, learning how to let go of the past and live in the present, appreciating the moment, the NOW with everything in it. And that felt good. I learned some lessons out of it but not practicing for even few days, sets me back on the old anxiety path. I start having bad thoughts again, forget basic things and think less of myself. Also, I couldn’t go out for a run and that is another important aspect of my life. Running helps me plan, cool down, clear my head and gives me strength. Not doing it makes me feel edgy and stressed out.

Little things go hand in hand and help those wheels keep turning. If one thing goes wrong, the entire mechanism stops functioning and therefore we stop functioning.

I am not used to being ill and it feels like this week I am learning how to get back to life, getting my fitness back and also my mental health. I need to get a TO DO list and follow it step by step so I can function again.

UK is going through a major heatwave and trust me, running in the heat is definitely something that you won’t proper enjoy. I was about to put my trainers on this morning and realised I will only make things worse trying to go for a run. I would have most definitely fainted at 9.30 am after school drop off. I need to be out the door at about 6 in the morning so I can get something out of it. So, here we go …. one thing on my to do list for this week is get up at stupid o’clock so I can enjoy a run. Also, get back into my gym classes and sort out the risk assessment for the junior park run (I have submitted it but not heard back from anyone and I am stressing out although, we have to consider the fact that it was a weekend and nobody does significant work on a Saturday or Sunday specially when the sun is out)

I need to make a phone call and I am dreading it because it means I am saying no to a job and I am liking the lady who interviewed me. The job is good and the people are nice but down the line, it’s not a match for me and I will struggle with more expenses working less hours than I do at the moment. I want to make sure that I was a good fit for the company and the company was a good fit for me. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work and I don’t want to start something and struggle later on

Another thing on my list: keep looking for jobs. I need a fresh start on that front. I need to also get my head straight and maybe think more on what exactly I want to do with my life. Everything I think about seems to not work put for me and I am also not sure about a career change in my 40s although it seems like it’s a new trend here. Re inventing yourself, completely changing your ways and visions, re brand yourself, change your career and follow something crazy you never thought you’d ever do. It is the new 40s motto but, am I brave enough to say: “fuck it” Do I even know what I want? I don’t think I do and it scares me to death. Feels like I am aimlessly passing through life without having a purpose or meaning

All people I know seem to have it all sort it and I am just drifting and procrastinating. Shall I add to my list? – GET YOURSELF TOGETHER! SORT YOURSELF OUT! FIGURE OUT WHAT DO YOU WANT!” or shall I stop beating myself up and just see where life takes me