I have been asking myself this question lately and I got no clue. Not sure where it’s coming from. Not sure why but I am suspecting a little bit of a mid life crisis or something of sorts.

I actually googles “how to find my talent” the other day and it turns out there is a formula for it. Only that, there still are a few questions there that I cannot answer in an honest way. I kept thinking of a career change or just changing my job but this comes with risks and also confidence (this is one thing I completely lack of). I mean, what jobs do I apply for? What am I actually looking for? Am I ready to turn a page and just study something? I am ready but the question is: WHAT AM I GOING TO STUDY? WHAT AM I GOING TO PREPARE FOR?

I wanted to teach antenatal classes but turns out there are years and years of study behind that and not just a few courses. Then, lots of medical practice I completely lack. I have been thinking of some classes and be some sort of a life coach but again, will I be good at that? I have lots of life experience and am good at giving certain advice but, am I ready to take everyone’s negative energy with me? Am I OK with helping people although sometimes I cannot even help myself?

I really have no idea where I am and everyone around me seems to be having it all sorted. They all found that particular something they are good at and they just know it all. Why don’t I? What am I great at? What makes me happy? – books, writing, running – but these are things that I don’t excel at. I love reading and reviewing books, recommending books to people – just had an idea: can you make money giving personalized recommendations for book lovers? I would love that but who on Earth will pay for that?

I love this little blog and while my daughter was a toddler it helped me so much. Now I just struggle and linger in the background trying to find my niche. I like the writing process, I enjoy it and I wish I could just wake up every morning and type away while sipping my coffee. I used to do it in Romania and it felt like a pure therapy but am I making money out of it? Can I turn it into a career? I don’t see it. I am not that talented and resourceful.

Running brings me so much joy but it’s a passion. It’s a game. It’s not a job

So, here I am, asking myself what am I good at? I have been good at my job since the beginning but unless I can do it from home …. I don’t want to do it no more. I am not great with computers but that I guess is something I could learn. I am not that organised so I can’t be organizing anyone’s life or business. I am fully dedicated to what I do and try to be the best at what I do but I am finding myself in a place of uncertainty at the moment. I need guidance, I need advice. I need someone to push me towards something and just say: “GO ON! YOU’LL DO GREAT! JUST GO THIS WAY!”

Is there anyone willing to convince me that I am talented at certain thing? Just tell me what I am good at? Or I just lacks skills in life ….

I am not sure how anyone has it all figured out already, how they just take a plunge and risk it all on an idea. Why can’t I have that idea? Why can’t I just be that brave? Why don’t I have that extra confidence and say: “I’ll take this job! I’ll figure it out on the way. Nobody knows I got no clue what’s all about”

It feels like I am just floating around and just existing without ever doing something significant or extraordinary, without leaving a mark or just doing something helpful for myself or others.

Last night I had such a beautiful surprise from my fiance and I was so spoiled when I got back from work. I was so tired and he made it all better and I looked at him and literally wondered how can he love me so much while I am so little and trivial. How can he love me so much when I am just a shadow amongst people. I was never this person and somehow I became it and I really don’t know when and how. It just happened and I don’t see myself past all there is now. I am not sure what can make me snap out of it, what can actually make me get through this stage and move on, see a different scenery and a brighter light

I feel proper unappreciated at my work place and look around me observing the lack of professionalism, standards going so low that it’s embarrassing and people getting praises for the simple fact that they are doing the minimum effort at doing their job. I believe in praises when you do something good, when you go above and beyond your role and not being rewarded for something that is in your job description and you should do it anyways.

I might just be old fashioned and live in a world that is completely different then other’s world with its standards and job descriptions and sensitivity but I have to believe that there is a space out there for me to find and regain myself.

I really don’t know why am I rambling like this but I got tears in my eyes and I feel so bloody lost in my own home and in my own world. Hate being so emotional and stupid but I am and I just feel like dropping all my plans and everything and just run away until I’ll find that right path

2 thoughts on “WHERE AM I?

  1. Well, I’m over sixty and I’ve yet to find what I’m good at. I can, however tell you what you are good at, it is being you. You excel at it and that’s all anybody wants from you. You want to do more? Then do it. You can’t fail as long as you remain who you are. Go do it!

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