This time two years ago I was struggling with depression and anger. I was struggling with loss and I can’t say that I could see any light at the end of any tunnel. I was dark and I was gloomy and I tried to put on a brave face and pretend I was fine. I tried to lie to everyone, including myself and the ones I loved.
It was so easy to say: “I’m fine! I’m good”, laugh and there for my pregnant friends who had no clue what I was going through. I pretended that the sun was shinning every morning when all I wanted was to close my eyes and cry myself to sleep hoping that when I wake up it will all go away.
I blamed myself for a very long time and I blamed the ones next to me. I tried to find an explanation for things that just happen but we never talk about.
As time passed I got myself deeper and deeper into activities that didn’t bring any joy to my life and didn’t actually help me cope. On the contrary. They made it all worse. I thought that if I join groups and read others stories it will make it all better. It didn’t. It only reminded me of my pain. Day after day. I felt like I wasn’t healing or rather that there is no cure for loss. It made me feel lonely and misunderstood. I didn’t want to see anyone or go anywhere although I did have to as having a two year old didn’t leave me with much choice.
Few months into it I discovered a wonderful and strong woman who helped me a lot and showed me a healthier lifestyle. I started working out from home and I did notice a difference in my mood. And it worked for a while but somehow I would still remember every day. I would still be in pain and no workout did the trick. I kept doing it because I enjoyed it and still do but in time, anxiety grew and my dark side always won.
Every time I thought I am OK, something came up and reminded me of my incapacity of being a woman fully. Every time I said to myself that I am OK and learned how to smile again, I was reminded of my loss and feelings of guilt crept on and showed me once more that I wasn’t to be fully happy again.
It is so insane. Nobody can understand what is going on and nobody can be there for you unconditionally without having the capacity to fully comprehend what a woman goes through when she loses a child. What is worse maybe, is the fact that I didn’t wanted to be understood at some point because I associated that with feelings of failure and what I despised the most was pity. Seeing the look in people’s eyes when saying how sorry they are made me hate myself and them at once.
Coming back to present times, two years later, I understood that it all comes from me. I need to heal, I need to come to terms ,with what happened and I need to love myself instead of feeling guilty. God kept me alive and that should mean something. He wanted me to live and maybe I desperately needed this lock down to realise this.
Being home all day, not being able to see anyone or go anywhere forced me to change my routine. And it was all there was to be done. I enjoyed incredibly long walks in the woods with my daughter and learned to appreciate the small things around us. And yes, I was still trying to find myself and one day I started running. I hated it but it made me feel good at the end so two days later I ran again and so on until I craved the freedom it gave me. It was just me. No bad thoughts, no guilt, nobody to tell me anything. JUST MYSELF and the trees and the squirrels.
I felt so liberated and for the first time in a long long time I smiled one day and there was no guilt. I learned that I am alive and that the past is in the past. I should look forward for whatever future holds for me and I should definitely look ahead and LOVE purely.
I learned to cope and I learned that sometimes people envy you for no reason. Sometimes people pretend to be there for you so they can feel better about themselves. And it’s OK. I will smile and know who they are because I am rich with all I got and nobody can take that away from me.
I run and I blow off steam. I run and I take it all out. I just run and smile even when I feel like I can’t run anymore.
What is that something that helps you cope with daily stress? Would love to hear your opinions.