Just one area of my life? You joking? There are so many aspect I would love to improve and not sure where to start.

Maybe the area that needs more upgrading is MY CONFIDENCE – I always lacked in this department and no matter how much I have tried to build up more self improvements, sooner or later I failed. I remember so many times reading self help books, listening to podcasts, starting meditation and speaking openly with people about the changes that will take place. How I will learn to trust myself more, how I will believe in my powers and conquer the world. You might as well wonder just exactly how many times I lost this battle and I will tell you: as many times as I have tried.

For some reason I always come back to my old self, hiding under a rock and sabotaging my own hard work. I start by looking up at the sky and smiling. I will tell myself how smart and capable I am, how I can do things with no fear, how I will pick myself up again and grow, this time more than the last. Yeah…. it all starts like this and ends somewhere around the terns of: what if I fail? What if people won’t like my book? What if nobody will actually see me capable and I won’t get a new job? What if all my efforts will be in vain and I will be disappointed again? What if there will be a massive catastrophe and the Earth will vanish and we all die? ….

Self–confidence is an attitude about your skills and abilities. It means you accept and trust yourself and have a sense of control in your life. You know your strengths and weakness well, and have a positive view of yourself. You set realistic expectations and goals, communicate assertively, and can handle criticism.

In theory it sounds like something no person lacks. I can handle criticism (sometimes better and other times with a bit of bitterness) and I do have a sense of control in my life – maybe way too much control as I need to be the one who knows and handles everything so I won’t lose my marbles.

Know your strengths and weaknesses – I like to think I am aware of both but I think that’s where it all starts. I just concentrate on the negative sides and forget about the positive ones. I put all bad in front of me and expect the worst from every situation. It might be some sort of a defense mechanism to help me deal with failure in case it might arise.

Where is this all coming from? Psychologically speaking, every aspect of our childhood and teenage years leave marks and shape who we are. So things like low self esteem has been proven to be caused by many aspects like:

• unsupportive parents, carers or others that play an influential role in ones life
• friends who are bad influences
• stressful life events such as divorce or moving houses
• trauma or abuse
• poor performance at school or unrealistic goals
• mood disorders such as depression
• anxiety
• bullying or loneliness
• ongoing medical issues

Signs are there and everyone who has eyes to see can notice them in their close ones behavior. A person who has low self esteem will more than likely be having negative thoughts about their worth and value as a human being. Some general signs include:

• avoiding new things and not taking up opportunities
• feeling unloved and unwanted
• blaming others for their own mistakes
• -not being able to deal with normal levels of frustration
• -negative self-talk and comparisons to others
• fear of failure or embarrassment
• difficulty making friends
• low levels of motivation and interest
• can’t take compliments and shows mixed feelings of anxiety or stress.

And when I read this article I was a bit enlightened in regards with different aspects of my life and maybe, just why I ended up the way I did. There have been many clues but not sure that someone noticed them. I wonder if that is because I was so bad at choosing friends and most I surrounded myself with were not quite a good influence? Trauma I had plenty in my life and most certainly contributed to my lack of confidence and self worth. My best friend whom I had a massive infatuation with – he died when I was eighteen and close to have my Uni exams; then I made a bad decision and got myself involved with an abusive boyfriend (not physical but mental abuse) – and I lived with him for about four years until I found the strength to walk away. And it took a miscarriage to make me leave him as he called me a vegetable after I came out of hospital and tried to make me feel better by saying that I am not the first nor the last woman who is going through such experience (asshole alert). Later on in life I got involved with someone who later I discovered was a drug addict (obviously I found out when he overdosed and went to see him in a mental institution – this literally shook me so badly and I will not recommend anyone to visit such a hospital unless they want to suffer a shock or need inspiration for a horror book. I can go on with trauma but I think I sort of deviated from the actual subject by way too much.

After all has been said I think I came to the conclusion that writing is such a good therapy as it helped me take all these bad memories out of my head and that I still have lots of work to do when it comes to my confidence and self worth feelings.