This must be a very challenging post for me. There are lots of “what ifs” in our lives and we always wonder and imagine just how our existence would have changed in a way or another. For me, these questions come up related to lots of negative things that took place but I learned that God has a plan for us all and everything happens for a reason. They shape who we are now and help us learn and grow.
I always thought: WHAT IF I didn’t move countries? WHAT IF I moved sooner? What IF I listened to my dad when I was eighteen and would have gone to study at a completely different University? WHAT IF I learned sooner to stand up for myself? WHAT IF I never met the abusive ex boyfriend and lived with him for four years? – from all these questions arise other new ones and if I let my mind wonder it will go to such distant places. Would I have been a different person? Would I have still met the father of my child? Would I still have her?
Suffering with anxiety makes me hide all these questions so I won’t spiral again and hide in my darkest corner, remembering things I don’t want to ever remember. But maybe we are meant to remember and learn how to deal with it all so we can move on and see the light at the other end of the tunnel.
Probably, my biggest WHAT IF and the most painful is: WHAT IF I DIDN’T LOSE MY BABY? Every day I think about it. How old he or she would have been, how would he or she would have looked like? Would I have been a good mother for two children and not only one? Would my mental health be better? Would I have struggled or would I have crushed motherhood and be that lady on Instagram who smiles through it all and has it all together? Would my daughter be a good sister? Would I still be in the same place? Would I be more organised? WOULD I BE HAPPIER?
Then I get back to reality and think that maybe, and just maybe, it all happened for a certain reason and I wasn’t meant to be a mum of two at that time. Maybe things would have gone wrong later on and all would have been even more traumatic. I almost died but I came out a different person. Yes, a sadder and more frustrated version of me but also, a stronger me. I came out seeing life in a light I haven’t before. I came out treasuring what I have and being more grateful for each day I am alive. So, I think all these what ifs are just for us to imagine a different version of who we are at the present time.
Someone told me that our path is already written in the stars when we are born and no matter what we do, we end up following it and becoming who we are meant to become and maybe it is true. Maybe if I didn’t move countries I wouldn’t meet the people I met, have the jobs I had. I wouldn’t have lived the things I did and I wouldn’t be the mother of my child but you see …. all these happened and they are the result of my decisions. Maybe if I moved countries sooner, things would have turned out to be not as good. If I didn’t move countries at all, maybe I would have been involved in things I didn’t want to as the result of where I used to work and all that happened after I have left. So, you see …. things do happen at the right time and we cannot mess with the Universe. it brings the love into our lives when we least expect it so we can treasure it. It brings pain into our lives so it can teach us lessons and help us learn.
It is all written in there, somewhere in the stars!