LIFE IN BETWEEN

Today is one of those days when I struggle to function. I don’t care about anyone and anything but in the same time I care way too much. I feel tears coming and fighting them. I really got no clue why I am having a bad day. I just do. I woke up like this and hate myself for it. My patience is somewhere under the lowest point and the rain is not helping at all.

I am making huge efforts to survive this day and hoping tomorrow will be a better one. I want to hide but in the same time I am craving company thinking it will do me good.

My life is in between today. Is not here but not there either. I am ashamed to say that even my daughter annoys me right now. Seems like anything she does is to just make me angry. I know it’s just me and not her and I know also that the things she does are not actually bad. She is three after all but me… I am almost forty and I cannot control this feeling.

I have been so much better lately and the lack of “mummy juice” aka wine helped so much. My mood improved by 100% and working out kept my mind away from going crazy but today, today is another story and I don’t even have a clue why it’s happening. I can definitely say it sucks big time and I am filled with rage. I feel like screaming until I am left without a voice. I feel like punching a wall until my hands bleed and I break down in uncontrollable sobs. I feel like crying myself to sleep only so I can open my eyes and see the world with different eyes.

I am aware of just how blessed I am to be having a wonderful family, an extraordinary child and amazing friends. I am blessed to be having a job and a place to call home. I am blessed for being loved and for loving in return but sometimes these things are just not enough. Sometimes, anxiety just punches me in the face and shows me the ugly bits. It just screams at me saying I am not good enough. It shows me a body that looks hideous and a face that is just bland. I am sad and depressed and unattractive and not very smart. At least that is what anxiety keeps telling me today. It also makes me question the easiest of tasks making me clean windows twice and hoover my house three times only to look around and realise it’s not clean enough. Makes me scrub the bathrooms in hope of eliminating all germs only to see things that are not there

Today I do not like myself so I need to lock in the house and avoid any decision making. I need to avoid any conversations and keep my opinions to myself.

I have tried all coping mechanisms possible and nothing worked so far.