You know those people who go head first in front of the unknown? The ones with no fear? The ones who just DO things always thinking that they will succeed and nothing bad can happen? Do you know those people who never plan anything, go with the flow and a smile on their face?

I AM DEFINITELY NOT ONE OF THEM

On the contrary. I am the complete opposite.

I function on routine. I love it and can’t live without it. I have to be the early riser and have my coffee and do laundry and hoover and clean my windows and tidy up and work out, all while trying to answer the million questions from my very active toddler, let her “help” me and get ready to go out the door.

See, I know what I need to do, where am I going and when I am back home. I know my schedule by days of the week and times of the day and I try not to change anything about it. And if something needs to be changed I love knowing about it in advance. I don’t do well with unknown. I love having control over my life and enjoying what I know.

Chaos brings back anxiety and panic attacks and I start thinking in advance about what will it be, imagining worst case scenarios and not being able to sleep. I forget how to live on daily basis and concentrate on things that are highly unlikely to happen and spiral out of control.

See, I function on routine. I always did. Maybe that’s also the reason that I never liked to spend the night somewhere else than in the comfort of my own home. I mean, I could have had a nervous break down if someone didn’t have coffee in their house or if I couldn’t find my make up removals in any of the nearby stores or if the night brought me noises I was not used to.

The things is, all the best decisions of my life were taken so calmly and they came so naturally that it’s scary. I came to see these moments as “it’s a good decision because I don’t think about it”. I moved to another country with only a small suitcase and my heart didn’t beat like crazy and my mind did not take places I did not want to visit. I just went in the plane and that was it. I had my daughter and never for a second had I thought about the frightening parent scenarios or be scared of labour itself. I just thought I will meet my daughter at the end of this journey and it’s a miracle and it all came naturally without any fear.

And in spite of these I still crave my routine and I am still terrified of the unknown. I still want things to change but remain the same.

I function on knowing, I function on a schedule that I make for myself and refuse to change until there is no option left but to change. I love picking up my laptop and writing on my blog, preferably very early in the morning when it’s quiet and the smell of coffee is my favourite perfume. I love grabbing a book late at night and let myself escape in a different world knowing that it’s peace and quiet in mine and I love holding my daughter until she falls asleep and her tiny hands are squeezing my arms so I won’t let go. These are my routines and they help me breath, they help me exist in a calming environment. I don’t want to rush, I don’t want to be pushed and I most definitely don’t want to change although I am well aware that things change and people change and we are made of change.

I am not sure where this fear is coming from and I know that not all change is bad but when it happens I need to control it. I need to do it my way and in my own time. It has to come from me and not be forced upon me.

I function on routine and I am not sure just what good it brings to the future but I sure do know that it keeps my damn anxiety away in the present and that is something I need to hold onto with both hands.

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