I remember how I started this New Year Resolution crap ever since I was a teenager. Every single time I would watch the fireworks and say “This will be my year” and somehow it just wasn’t. Somehow something went wrong and I just raised my hands in defeat and out the window with the resolutions.
Every year was supposed to be mine. Every year was meant to bring me all that the previous year forgot to bring me. I was sipping some bubbly and my eyes were always teary from all the excitement that held the 365 days that were to come. I dreamed of my big love (that was always someone totally wrong for me), I dreamed of getting promotions after promotions, I dreamed of conquering the world, finishing my book, getting famous and all that crap everyone dreams about but you know what …. I never actually DONE anything about it. I just thought that it’s enough to just think it at midnight on New Years Day and it will all come true.
I always tried to think of every single person I know and text them and wish them all that New Year crap. I wanted them to know they are special, they have a place in my heart and they mean something to me, not for once realizing that the ones that truly matter don’t care about it that much but about the moments when you are there for them in need, the moments when you show them your love and friendship. I always forgot about myself, needing the validation from others more than I should have.
Every damn year was supposed to be MY YEAR but what was I doing? NOTHING!!! Or, I was doing things but for others rather than myself. I love helping, I love being there for others, I love sharing not thinking that not everyone is my best friend and sharing won’t bring me anything good. Every year I forgot that friendly is taken as something completely different in our society and being good makes you look stupid. I have noticed it years back and it seems like I never learn my lesson and end up disappointed one way or another.
I did learn a bit about who my real friends are, I managed to build my tribe and admit, firstly to myself, that my anxiety is real. I learned to live with it in spite of the horrible days that took hold of me on occasion and I also learned another very important thing: ANOTHER YEAR, SAME CRAP.
I’ve not followed the same pattern this year. I’ve not done any resolutions and I’ve not texted or thought of everyone. I only wished for health and peace and whatever 2020 holds for me … BRING IT ON! I am ready.