Even since I remember I’ve longed for freedom and independence. Also I felt the need to prove myself – specially to my parents. I wanted to prove them that I matter, that I can do things by myself, I can succeed on my own, that I am good enough, mature enough and smart enough. I wanted to prove that I am the best at what I do and from here my life took a turn. I had to be the best friend, I had to be the confidant, I had to forget my own needs for others, I forgot how to say no and became a people pleaser, I forgot how to speak about my own issues, trying to prove to anyone I am strong and there is nothing I can’t handle on my own. I always strive to be the best mother there is putting so much pressure on myself and comparing with the perfect instamums who can always afford cleaners, cooks, gym time and exotic holidays. I want to have the cleanest home forgetting I am just human and having a toddler implies messiness and toys spread just about anywhere in the house. I want to be the best at whatever I do but in the same time I am so damn scared of failure. I feel the need to do things, be busy, be there for all the people I know and help even the ones I never met.
But, you see, even the strongest need a break sometimes and I think that time has come for me. I have been there for all my friends, whenever they needed me. There are some I haven’t seen for years but I spoken with and listened to and been a shoulder to cry on for. I felt their struggle and pain and tried to help as much as I could. I drowned in their problems (maybe to escape my own) and got depressed at times because such and such had a loss, broke up with their other half or just going through such difficult times.
The load of sorrow one can take is immeasurable. You just take it all in and although is not yours you feel it cutting like a knife.
When you are strong you just get the call. Nobody actually bothers to ask if you are OK or go though some sort of a struggle yourself. They want your reassurance that they are doing the right thing, they exploit the hard times you went through asking so they can find the easy way out and when the sun finally shines on their path, they forget you exist (until next time).
I shared some of my insecurities thanks to this blog and whoever had eyes to read was there for me (funny how people you never met are such a source of strength).
Even now, while writing this post, I cannot think of myself as weak or in need of help. I can’t see myself not being able to cope with anything comes my way. There is a voice in my head saying YOU ARE STRONG! and it never stops. I am so damn exhausted and I got no clue how to just relax, quiet the mind and stop thinking and stressing about anyone’s problems.
I think I suffer with the Robin Hood syndrome – always wanting to fix, help and give (too many heroes books in my childhood), not for once being able to think of myself (in spite of the fact that I have been accused of being selfish on numerous times).
So, you see, strong people can’t admit defeat or weakness. You have to just see it in them, feel it and hold them in your arms for an extra second so they know they are not alone.It’s their way of charging batteries and being there for the rest of the world because even the strongest need a break sometimes