This December caught me running and God knows what for or towards what.
I feel like I am constantly rushing and not finishing anything. I am running for presents although every year I promise myself to get better and not leave it last minute, I am running for wrapping paper as I ran out last night, I am running for dance classes and end of year Nativity plays with my daughter, running to catch my train to work only to find out it was delayed or cancelled. I am rushing at work as it’s stupidly busy and then rushing home to catch little one awake.
When she finally goes to bed I just pour myself a glass of wine trying to relax but then my mind goes all cray cray making plans for next day and trying to achieve so many things it’s humanly impossible.
I am slacking on my workouts as I can’t find the energy to do it or just find excuses. I am baking muffins, biscuits and cookies only because they help with my anxiety; I forced myself to read so I can actually relax and this activity became stressful at some point as well, thinking I’ll not be able to finish my Goodreads 2019 challenge. I want to meet my friends every day if I can and my house to be spotless in time to go out, I want my laundry basket to be empty for one full day and not only five minutes, I want to come back in the house at the end of the day without rushing and thinking I still have things to do.
Oh, have I mentioned my hoover broke just in time for Christmas? Yeah. I called them and they said I get a replacement as I have two years warranty and it’s not even been one since I purchased it. Went to the store with all spare parts and a toddler in hand only to be told that VAX doesn’t do replacements but repairs and it only lasts twenty eight days to change a freaking battery. I mean who needs a hoover in the house having a toddler and also right around Christmas time? Did I mention the battery is incorporated so not sure how that goes in terms of fixing it. Plus, they couldn’t take it in store because I have to deep clean it first. Need to mention this was a big F…. off moment and there I was wasting a day running around Curry’s and trying to check and buy a hoover for boxing day (I have the old one still. Battery lasts about three minutes so imagine patient me hoovering half of my living room and putting the hoover to charge so I can do the rest in five other attempts every day of my life as if I have time for this shit)
For a month now I haven’t had time to myself properly as every weekend is booked for “before Christmas” visits and exchanging gifts and previous to this marathon I had my mum staying over for a week.
There are days when I want to hide and cry, let it all out, calm down and find my inner peace. Want to get in the Christmas spirit, be joyful and merry, forget about stress and concentrate on the things I am actually achieving instead of the ones that stress the hell out of me.
I want to be a good mother and friend, I want to be a better person and just push my limits without being afraid of failing or disappointing others.
Next year I will be fourty (WTF) and I have no idea when did I end up here and how am I supposed to be. I thought that by the time I reach this insane age I will have everything sorted, be mature, figure out all things I haven’t before and wear stiletto heels and office outfits, pair of glasses and lots of perfume, ruling the world and finishing my second or third book.
Think again. Can’t wear those damn shoes, office outfits are sometimes boring and my first book is still a draft because I am scared of showing it to people. I do have the glasses though so that might count for something.
So, here I am. At the end of 2019, more messed up than I was last year and the one before. I only learned how to bake and I did manage to eliminate some toxic “friends” from my life. Or was this last year? Don’t quite remember honestly. The baking part was definitely this year but not sure about the other