I always had this thing that drove me to panic mode. When things are too good, I drive myself insane thinking something bad must happen. Like I am not meant to be completely happy but only half way.
It always felt like this. If my work was going well, then be sure my personal life would have been crap and the other way around. On the rare occasions when both my personal and professional life were in a good place, my mind went on overdrive and I actually convinced myself that one or the other is flawed. Nothing good can last a long time
I really have no idea where this is coming from but it sure sounds to me like self sabotage. Why am I doing it? Again, I couldn’t give you a reason nor an answer. It’s something I have pushed myself on thinking and doing my entire life and I have no idea how to set my mind on not doing it.
Looking for an explanation in regards to why people tend to self sabotage, I found this:
What causes self-sabotaging behavior? One of the key reasons people self-sabotage is a lack of self-esteem . … These deep-seated thoughts and feelings cause negative self-talk, which fuels your fears and your self-sabotaging behaviors. Some people self-sabotage because it makes them feel in control of their situations.
SELF ESTEEM you say ….. well, that has never been a strong aspect in my life. I think I grew up being made to believe that I am not good enough, or smart enough, pretty enough.. At the end of the day, I was nothing enough. In school I was considered “special” because I was not in line with everybody else. I was left handed. In a communist country that was not right. My teacher used to tie my left hand to the bench so I can learn to use my right hand.
Further on, primary school, I was often told that I am not as smart as my neighbor’s daughter because I didn’t get straight As and she did and the same with the random girl in my class because she finished first place and I finished second. I used to get picked on in school and bullied because I was too skinny or too tall and this continued up to after I finished high school
I was held responsible for every mistake my brothers used to make on account of me being a girl, being the older one and the big sister.
It felt like I could never fit in and I swore to myself I would never ask for help from anyone. Ever. Whatever I will achieve, it will be on my own terms and powers. I hated being told I am my father’s daughter. I hated being told everyone is better than I was.
In time, I became a rebel, trying to find my way in life. I never liked crowds and spotlights so I became this quiet mouse trying to do her job and crawl back into her little hole. Work was a different thing at some point. It became my battle ground. I wanted to prove myself and everyone else that I can make. I can do it. Nobody knew me there. But, you see ….. there are challenges everywhere, and there are bullies wherever you go. I worked hard. I worked nights and days on end and being promoted came with a new set of challenges and having to deal with different things. People around didn’t believe in me. They spoke behind my back, accusing me of sleeping with my boss to get a job. I cried days on end until someone gave me a very useful life lesson. She told me that the most important person in my life is me and as long as I know my worth, nothing else matters. This was the moment when I knew what I wanted from my job and when it all shifted there. I knew what I could do. I knew what I could achieve and went for it.
The problem is, that the times when things went all in at work, I was getting disappointed in my personal life, or really bad things would happen so I started believing that I can never have it all. Whenever I was presented with a bigger opportunity or an incredible offer at work, I was crawling back in my little hiding space for fear of not losing something else instead. I guess it became some sort of a control thing.
I was asked to turn my blog into a book (back in the days when I was in Romania). I said yes but the fear and panic were already there. My mind went on overdrive and I started picturing my book on shelves and nobody wanting to read it or everyone hating it. So, as quick as I said yes, I changed my mind and said no. I couldn’t bare the thought of failure. I couldn’t bare to prove myself I am not good enough
Things went just the same further on in life. I managed to convince myself that certain things are not for me and that I am better off in a little corner, with peace of mind and less stress
I did things that are considered brave. I went through lots and told myself to move on, told myself that there is no help I need. I hated feeling useless and hopeless. I swore I won’t ask for anyone’s help so tried and dealt with it on my own
It’s so frustrating. It’s so hard. It’s infuriating.
Few times in my life I thought I can do more. I dared believing and went dreaming of bigger things and made steps and then again my mind stopped me from moving further. It was like I was frozen. Doubt creeped in and did not allow me to go further. I gave up again
So, is this where my self sabotage is coming from? I am trying to understand the lack of self esteem. I am trying to understand how it all started and why. Also, is there a cure for it? I would definitely love to know is there is