It’s morning. Is she awake? Did I just not hear her? What’s the time? Oh, just six am. It’s fine. I can sleep at least for another hour or so. Better close my eyes and just sleep.
Damn. That neighbor’s child screaming now. I cannot not hear it. I wonder what is er problem so early in the morning. Just please let me sleep. I just need to close my eyes again. Sleep will come. Please come. Let me fall asleep again. Just another hour. I need to sleep.
Oh, God damn it. I might as well just get out of bed. It’s morning anyway. She’ll soon be up so I better be prepared. I’ll make coffee. Washing basket is full. Grab a load on the way to the kitchen. Yeah. I’ll just put a load one and put the kettle as well. By the time I’m back from the bathroom I can just make coffee and will just sit down. Do I have to go shopping today? Do we have milk? Library books. Do I have to return them today? Is it raining? Park or soft play? Is anyone free for a play date?
This coffee is good. Love it. What would I do without coffee? Does she need anything? Did I pay the rent? Do I have to read the gas meters? Have I paid the electric? Better dot this now before I forger. Is the hoover still ensured? Battery is dead. Is her jacket clean? What shall I give her for breakfast? What about lunch? Shall we go grab some fruits? Shall I make some breakfast muffins? Shall I ask her first?
Is it that day again? Do I have to get my hair done? Can you see the roots already? Shall I get m hair a bit darker? Shall I let it grow? Ruby needs a haircut. Shall I cut her TV time? Shall I just leave it off and see if she’ll notice? Do I have to teach her all letters now? Is she too young for this ? When did I learn? I should ask my mum. Yeah, joke. Like she’ll remember that.
What day is today? Better go out. Is it this Saturday we going to a birthday party? What shall I get? What’s the budget for a four year old? How about a one year old? God, it’s work day tomorrow. I need to clean the windows and just about wash everything. Is it OK I haven’t cleaned her water bottle last night? What if there were germs there and now are multiplying? What if she gets ill? Shall I just put all her plush toys in the washing machine? Shall I get rid of them? Are they just a source of dust and germs and my daughter is breathing that in? She does have a weird cough sometimes. What if it’s from that? Will she get asthma? Will she need inhaler? I should clean the house better. Shall I just do windows and carpets and dust every day? Yeah. I better. OMG. Am I a bad mother?
Shall I give her chips and chicken nuggets? The won’t be fried. I’ll put them in the oven. I should learn how to cook properly. I feel so useless not being able to make everything from scratch everyday for her. Why am I not that amazing cool mum I seen on Instagram? Maybe I should workout less and cook more. But isn’t a healthy life style a good example? I love it so much when she tries to copy me. Makes me so proud. I promise I will cook more. And shall we have reading time during the day as well or shall I just leave it for bedtime?
For God sake. Am I getting ill again? NO. Please don’t let me get ill. I don’t want her to catch anything from me. I would feel so guilty. I feel guilty already. For not being able to offer her absolutely everything I wish I could. Will it ever stop? This guilt feeling? I hate it. Shall I go GP? Shall I say I have anxiety? I don’t want pills. Shall I just check on google? Maybe there is something that can help without ending up in therapy. What if I need therapy? Shall I just go? I can also show them Ruby’s spots. Why are they not making that cream we used to use? What can I use now? Is she allergic to something and I don’t know? Shall I go private and try an allergy test?
I wonder how much is that one? Never mind. I’ll take her no matter what. Next week. I will call in. I need to make an appointment. What if they will spread? Do I have to worry about it? She’s not scratching. It’s fine. Maybe from the peanut butter. I’ll cu tit off. See if they just go away. Shall I text anyone today? I don’t want to seem like a bad friend. I’ll do it later. I have to. I wonder if everyone is OK. What if they are not OK and I just ignored them all? I am such a bad friend. I need to get better at this. In the same time, has anyone texted me? Has anyone messaged me to check if I am OK? Nobody cares. Everyone has their won life. I should do the same. I’ll text. I’ll do it later. I don’t want to ignore anyone.
I feel so tired. Why didn’t I just sit in bed? Maybe I would have slept some more? I should just kick my back side and at least have a workout. I’ll feel better. I’ll drink some water first. Oh, let me check my emails. What’s new on Facebook? Boring. I should just close my account. Instagram is better. But not that real in the same time. What’s the point of it all? I wish we could go back to writing letters and just use a phone for a phone. People used to care more and be more authentic. I hope I am a good mother. I hope my daughter will always say I am her best friend.