A lot has been going on since my last post.

Ever since before Christmas my stress levels hit the roof. For the first time in 12 years, I was not sure about what tomorrow will bring. No matter what happened, I always knew I have a job and this is one important aspect of my life. Stability is my middle name. Routine is what I go by on daily basis. When these two reach the point of uncertainty, my nervous system is in total chaos.

I knew my contract was expiring but I just did not realise there was nothing beyond that. Or maybe, I did not want to admit it to myself. For six months I have made enquiries in regards with this aspect and all I got was a simple: “Don’t worry about it!” So I didn’t. Not until it felt like it was too late.

It all became a drama because when facing the unknown, worst case scenarios are my favourites. I pictured myself unemployed and not being able to cope with the current market and demand. I have applied for numerous jobs and heard only the sound of crickets in a field – nothing!!! After some time of torture, I went for a job interview for a job I was almost certain I would not accept. It was too far, the money were the same as the job I had but with five days facing London public transport through Euston station which we all know is everyone’s nightmare. I only went so I can gain some practice and familiarise myself with the process of interviewing.

There were a few telephone interviews when I was made to believe that next step would be a face to face interview. Nothing materialised. I was getting more and more desperate although trying to look like I have it all sorted and I am cool as a cucumber. Deep down there was fear and dissapointment. I have never trusted myself much and all this did not help at all. Three months of trying to mentally prepare myself for what looked like the inevitable, got me spiraling.

Eventually, I was contacted by one of the contractors in the company I work for. They offered me a full time job, with a bit more money and the stability I never had in my previous role. It’s not the ideal scenario as I am to travel four days a week into the office. My two runs a week are suffering. My time with my daughter is not the same as it used to be. But you see, maybe it was time to take this step. Go back into full time employment and look ahead for a career outside parenting. I can see how my daughter is growing up overnight. She is becoming more responsable and attentive. She takes care of me for a change.

I hate not having all that free time for cuddles and girl time with her, I have tried to be there for my daughter at all times. School pickups, drop offs, clubs, volunteering for trips and making sure she can go to all bday parties and play dates possible.

But it was time to take a decision and look towards what was coming. She turns ten on Wednesday and she will go to secondary school next year. She is her own person and she needs independence more than me babying her every step of the way. She has such a strong personality and I want her to grow up confident in her own power. I want her to know she can reach the stars if she sets her mind to it.

Life is not all fluffy clouds and unicorns. We need to face a bit of hardship so we can appreciate the little things. We need to feel the rain so we can smile at the sun. We need to put some effort into life. To be able to fight for the things we want.

So yes. I work full time now! Luckily, I have one day a weeek working from home. This helps a lot. Otherwise, yesterday I woke up at 5am to have a workout before going into the office. This morning, I went out for a run after I allowed myself to sleep until 6:30am. It felt like a lie in and I was spoiled. It might take a bit of time to get used to it all, to make sure I am getting into some sort of a routine. I could have a midweek evening shorter run and it will still count towards my mental health and peace of mind.

I am not sure how much my husband will be able to cope with all madness around the house. He mostly works from home so everything kind of falls on him now. But he is extraordinarily supportive and it behind me 100% He always wnated me to succeed, to finally slay that corporate dragon and have something of my own.

I can’t stop but wonder how others do it? How do you do it? Some people have this power of making things look effortlesly. It looks like it’s all a walk in the park and life is so easy although they work and have children and find the time to see friends, exercise, be there for loved ones. They also look so relaxed. So now, I have to ask myself: where am I going wrong? What is that secret that I know nothing about?

My run this morning was slow. I look at others and they keep their pace fast throughout the year and it’s nothing for them. So again. Where do I go wrong? I am enjoying it. Don’t get me wrong. but I would liek to know what do I need to improve myself. I do all the strength training, I am having stretches and I do mobility but something is missing. Just like previously. That secret. What is it?

Maybe I am just trying too hard and forgetting to actully enjoy everything. I do live in my own head most times. I don’t quite remember when this all started but I can’t seem to get out of it. Shake it off and just live. Stop overthinking. Stop analysing and trying to know it all.