There is this British culture of saying sorry. You accidentally brush your shoulder with someone at the traffic lights … “Sorry!” ; in the queue at the tills and someone looks at you? … “Sorry!” ….

When I moved to England I took it as politeness until, years later, I realised that it has nothing to do with having good manners and being polite. Someone can easily say sorry and add a “w….r” ‘ “t..t” to it like it’s all OK. You can insult anyone you like because you apologised beforehand. I bet this can easily stick in Court . “I’m sorry! I almost killed this person standing in front of me but I firstly expressed my regret of doing it!”

Now, I learned to say this sorry and I also became annoyed with it. I am a 44 year old woman apologising for the weather and God knows what silly thing that is totally out of my control.

“I’m sorry I can’t go out today! I am sick!” – who apologises for being sick? I tell you. ME! I am that person. I apologise for being busy, I apologise for not being able to arrange a play date because I want to spend time with my family on a particular day. I started being so annoyed with it, especially as my daughter started saying sorry for things she shouldn’t say sorry for. I actually noticed it first at her and then realised she is just taking it from me.

I don’t want to be all about I am sorry here and I am sorry there! It makes me look so small. Like I don’t have the courage to stand up for myself and I am not able to take decisions without doubting every step.

The thing is, I actually hate apologising for things that I don’t need to apologise for and I get conflicted, angry at myself and super stressed out. If there is something that sets me off is someone waiting for me to apologise for things I don’t see the point in apologising for.

It feels like I am talking about two different people when it’s actually just me! I would love to stand tall just just say NO without the sorry attached to it! I would love to just be as I used to be! Confident, strong, opinionated and definitely one who’s not afraid to refuse meetings and extra work or play dates.

I keep wondering when did I lose myself? What triggered this weakness in me, this fear of expressing an opinion and sticking to it? When did I become so mellow and non conflict even when a confrontation is just what’s needed? I back away from things I said and pretend I never did because I don’t have the energy and confidence to argue my corner. I feel like all I want is to be left alone …

Funny how we see the ones around us, without thinking that maybe what we see is nothing like what they are. We pretend so much that we don’t even know who we are. We hide our weaknesses so well and we show a different face for fear of not being considered less than perfect. We are all flawed in a society that became an expert in presenting the perfect everything and brushing all else under the carpet.

I am not sorry for anything right now even though I would say it to everyone today. I would say sorry to my mum for not calling her today – I didn’t because I just needed a break; I would say sorry to my friend because I ran a bit slow this morning and she is so fast usually (although our runs together are my favourite Saturday mornings when we catch up on what we’ve been doing in the previous week); I would say sorry to my daughter for cutting her bedtime story on her laptop although she took ages to eat/shower and chill and I only did it because it was past her bedtime; I would say sorry for I am writing this post right now instead of getting all my things ready for tomorrow. I would say sorry for so many other things just to feel like I haven’t gotten anyone upset.

This false sense of guilt pushing me to apologise is quite toxic and I would love to eliminate it. There are studies that show people who apologies too often are just insecure, they feel inferior to others and are desperately looking to avoid potential arguments and conflict. It is scary. I am insecure and I always had this issue. It just dates from my childhood when I’ve always been told such and such is better/smarter/prettier than me and so on. Now, I am a grown up and I researched things and I kind of analysed myself and got to the bottom of certain things but I am absolutely terrified of not making the same mistakes that were made when I grew up. I would hate my daughter to become insecure and feel inferior to others because of things I say to her.

Now, the question is: How do I snap out of it? How do I break the cycle? How do I stop saying sorry when there is no need to say it?