This previous week has been a bit hectic and I don’t quite know why. I haven’t done much than usual but still, I found myself getting incredibly anxious and my mind spiraled again. It usually happens when I am stressed out or if I drink a bit over my limit and honestly speaking, none of the above happened. There must be other triggers I haven’t figured out yet
I went through a bit of a shock on Tuesday and although I promise myself not to judge anyone and especially mothers, this time I could not help. I felt like I had to strip off my uniform and job role and step into mumzilla mode. I wanted to shake that woman off, call her names and I don’t know. Anything basically.
Long story short, she left her two year old unattended in a massive shopping center and came over to where I was (I do customer service) to ask for someone from security because her son doesn’t want to move and all he wants is take things off the shelves in stores (I’d say about all toddlers would want to do that). She asked the officers to carry her child to the car. When she was refused, she asked them to carry her shopping bag and so on until she shouted saying that the more information they ask and the more they keep her on the phone, the more her child will be unattended. Her attitude towards everything baffled me and I think this was my trigger. I felt angry, frustrated and absolutely shocked. For me in unacceptable and lacks any parenting skills. How would you leave your two year old? How? In a shopping center that is so big and always so busy. In a place where anything can happen. I still feel my blood boil only thinking about it.
Anyways, don’t worry. Security was supervising the child through cameras and straight away had someone over so he was fine but the thought that something terrible would have happened to him, got me in a proper state
You see, I wanted another baby but God had different plans for me. And it was all way too traumatic. That’s where my anxiety comes from and I feel like I am not myself since so every time I encounter these type of parents, my mind wonders in dark places. And I start thinking and visioning worst case scenarios and when I get home, I hold my daughter but I can’t close my eyes because if I do, things get worse. I am too scared of losing her. I am terrified of everything. I wish there was some sort of magic to take it all away but its not and all I can do is let it all play out. Let my mind wonder until it comes back to normal.
Running helps me a lot but not completely. I keep busy and overactive so I won’t let my mind rest because I don’t want to go visit that dark corner. It makes me angry from fear. It makes me push everyone away. And I hide. I hide under a smile, I hide under “I’m OK”, I hide under cleaning and reading. I can’t go outside because if I do, I feel people staring at me (I know they’re not but in those moments I am sure they look in disgust). They stare at my horrible hair or shoes or top or trousers or makeup ….. anything that you can imagine. I think they stare at me and think the worst things because I am insecure or because I don’t feel myself. And I stress about the fact that my friends might not like me enough, or that I am not smart enough and on and on and on
I got good days and bad days. I am a normal person but sometimes I don’t feel myself. Lately, I have discovered some wonderful ladies via my bookstagram account and they suffer with anxiety and depression and they totally understand how I am. It felt so reassuring knowing I am not alone. I felt so great sharing some of my fears. They told me they feel the same and sometimes we got the very same thoughts and we are all hiding from reality. We try to face it all slowly and I am hoping that one day it will all end and I will be myself again. I am hoping that I won’t have to get on medication to get better.
I went for a run the other day and I managed my personal best for a 5k, I managed to finally run for 6.5km and that is basically the most I managed since my meniscus injury last year in January. It was icy and cold and it felt fantastic. I had an amazing time and I felt my mind getting quieter and quieter. It was a bliss but you see, the run finished and I walked home singing and feeling amazing but as I cooled down, everything came back slowly. And I didn’t feel proud of myself anymore. I just thought I managed it all because I had new running socks or because I was cold and I got fast so I can worm up and so on…. finding so many reasons to put myself down.
Why? I don’t know but I do wish for that day when I will feel proud and stay proud.