I feel like the older we get, the more selective we become when it comes to friendships. I remember those days beck in high school and Uni when I couldn’t count the number of friends I had, when days were for studying and nights for partying

Fast forward twenty years and I can count my real friends using a single hand. I do have people I go out with and mum friends and work buddies but real friends are about four at the moment. I am not anti social. I am not extremely picky but I love to surround myself with positive people, the ones who motivate me instead of putting me down, the ones who get my need for being active and not confuse it with having too much time on my hands. I like those people who still have time to say hello and ask if I am ok. I like those friends who care deeply and see me for who I really am.

This post might turn into a bit of a rant. I am writing as I go along and pretend to work in the same time (oopppsss! don’t tell on me). I found myself over thinking, analysing, getting anxiety and bloody headaches over a certain friendship that I felt drifting for a while. I kept holding on, I kept trying to understand the millions of reasons invoked for not meeting, I tried to find excuses for being ignored in spite of my concerns. And now I wonder: WHY? Why am I such an idiot? Why am I so naïve to believe that everyone is honest? Why am I struggling so much to let go of people who obviously don’t want me in their lives?

I thought this particular friendship was a solid one, baring in mind the things we went through together, the fact that we basically raised out kids together for a very long time, we laughed until tears came out of our eyes and we cried buckets over life’s unfairness

I guess that don’t count

Well, I am officially done. Will mind my own things without feeling like I am being judged for getting my life back and feeling myself. We all know parenting is not an easy job and it was pretty hard on me, baring in mind I have no family to help. As soon as little one started school I realised I can finally take care of myself as well. Now, as lockdown is finished and we are free to be outdoors, I joined some gym classes, I am running and am reading as much as I can. I feel like myself and my anxiety just creeps from time to time (like in the past days because my friend is ignoring me completely). I am blessed to have this wonderful partner who loves me and always helps around the house so I don’t feel pressured with every day chores. I might sound shallow but I do have days when I don’t feel like I need to fill up my time only with house work. As long as tidiness is maintained I don’t need to clean windows on daily basis and sanitise my house

I went off track a bit but my head is all over the place. I keep thinking about it and stop from time to time. I might be over reacting, I might be a child here and cry over a friend when there are far more important things in this world and people struggle with serious issues. But it hurts for real and feels like a massive betrayal thinking I shared all my secrets with someone who doesn’t even bother to say hello anymore.

You tell me cause I don’t know anymore

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