Yes. I say some days. Because on other days I feel like I am not that much of a good mom and others like a complete and utter failure.
I look around me, I speak with other mothers and we all struggle and we all admit defeat sometimes. Our little people are stronger than us at times and all we can do is breath, count to ten and repeat. We have to be the bigger person here, to be patient and calm but God damn it it’s so freaking hard.
Last Friday I was a mess. Lack of sleep and worry got to me and I felt sensitive. Anxiety was kicking my butt and all I prayed for was to have an easy day so I won’t lose it. But you know what? It wasn’t meant to be.
My child decided to do everything in her power to drive me insane. She ran in the supermarket screaming at me that she is to do her own shopping, she decided on crying and winging out of absolutely every little thing possible and done the exact opposite of what I asked her to do. And this happened ALL DAY LONG! I cried in frustration and all I wanted was for the day to end so I can get some sleep and recharge my batteries. Try again and not fail at motherhood.
It took her ages to fall asleep and none of the bedtime stories helped. I had a massive headache and I held my tears so I won’t show her I am weak. I tried to be as calm as possible explaining to her she needs to sleep but nothing helped.
I admitted to myself that I failed that day but in the same time I poured a glass of wine and thought I did my best. I tried all possible, I pleaded and smiled while my head pounding. I did all I could to be a good mother and although that Friday I got defeated my the treenager, the next day I picked myself up and did my best again. This time I won and I felt like I am a good mom some days.
I keep my daughter clean, I feed her and try to do it as healthy as possible, I read to her every day, I sit down on the floor with her and we draw, colour or do Legos. We play pretend together, we do stickers and she happily helps me with laundry, hoovering and sometimes cooking and baking.
These are things I do with my daughter every day. I take her out as much as I can, I try and teach her values and how to become a strong independent woman in the future. I tell her how important it is to be brave, speak for yourself and do what you love. I show her love and kindness, I teach her to be a good person and how to share.
We do it together and we cuddle and kiss and say how much we love each other. I try my best and I beat myself up thinking that some days I am not a good mom but through these days I realise that for my daughter I am the best mom and when she tells me “You are my best friend, mummy” I just think that I am doing something good there and am not as bad as I think.
One of my friends was telling me that she is losing her patience, she is panicking and maybe she does things wrong. I smiled and knowing how much of a perfectionist she is I told her that we all try an some days we are doing things right and others we mess up but we are all doing our best for our children.
So, although I feel like a failure, I am sure that some days I am a good mom. Like the ones I hold my daughter in my arms for hours on end because she is not feeling well and she only wants mummy; like those days when I read the same story a million times and still use different voices because she likes it; and the days when I make her ten types of food because she is fussy but I really want to give her anything she might like; and the ones when I took her to playgroups although I hated all of them with passion; the days I took her in my arms and rushed to the emergency room because I had a feeling there was something wrong (and it was) and I made millions of bubbles and carried millions of toys with me so I can make her as comfortable as possible; oh, and those days when I had no energy left in me but I carried on and never let her see me defeated.
Some days, I am a good mom and moments like those give me strength to carry on and try harder every day to give her my best as a mother.