I am bad at talking. I know. It’s crazy.

Everyone who knows me will say this is the biggest lie ever as I sometimes talk too much.

But you see, I talk but not share. I talk every day talk. My daughter’s funny new discoveries, our struggle with potty training, looking for schools, incredibly annoying guests at work or incredibly nice ones, food related conversations, nails, books and whatever you want.

Anything but ME – I am a closed book when it comes to sharing my fears, my anxiety, my most intimate feelings, my personal struggles, my moments when I feel defeated – I tend to talk about it when everything already boiled inside me to the point that I am going crazy and anxiety hits me so hard that I am not able to see any light at the end of any tunnel.
I have been advised on therapy, medication and all sorts of conventional or non conventional treatments.

Thing is I don’t want to be a pill popper and talking with someone, no matter if a stranger, scares me so badly. I can’t say there is a reason for this fear but all I know is I am afraid of finding out where it all comes from; i think I always suffered with anxiety but not in such a manner as now.

In the past week, my feelings have been of frustration, defeat, anger (so much anger) and hopelessness. I have experienced hot flashes, I cannot concentrate and my brain is spinning with negative scary thoughts. My heart is pounding, I cannot breath properly as it feels like someone wants to strangle me and the migraines are stronger and stronger.

Today I woke up early. I had a nice workout that helped me blow some steam. I enjoyed a bit of time with Ruby and decided I have to get out. Do something that will make me feel better about myself or with myself 🤷🏼‍♀️.

I made an appointment to have my nails done and while waiting I am writing this post and having a coffee in Starbucks on my own.

I hope it will work as for now it doesn’t seem to give much result. I still want to cry my eyes out until all bad will vanish.

Since last year it appears that I am somehow being tested by a higher power. With every blow I get I think this must be the last one. I cannot take anymore. But when all seems to end there comes another blow, more powerful than the previous. I learned to expect another one instead of wishing it all to end. Now I wonder what else will come my way.
My heart is filled with pain and tears and sorrow and am looking for some light. Some sort of a sign to tell me “Hang in there. It’s all going to end soon. Better things are on the way for you”. I want to believe in these words, I want a sign to give me hope and make who I was before all these. I want to trust myself again, I want to go shopping without second guessing what I am buying. I want to laugh without feeling guilty for laughing and I want to believe again. I want to smile, hope and be positive, always see the good in people.

I want to have the confidence to write again, finish my book and publish it as deep down I know it is going to be a good one.

I want to have all the patience in the world with my daughter and raise her away from this monster called anxiety.

I want all the good days I can get and all the love I can receive. I want to be able to offer all my love to the ones who deserve it. I want to see my friends more often instead of cancelling on them because I feel down and depressed, finding excuses more and more ridiculous.

I want it all back.

I want to find strength and confidence for going out there and grabbing life by the horns and have a leap of faith and start that something that will bring me a better life (whatever that thing would be).

Just tell me that the sun will shine again